Toast of the Season

❀ Chapter 32 ❀

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I would have liked the chance to answer Edmund's proposal but we couldn't exactly leave his mother laying there on the floor. Fields and Edmund helped her up to her room. I thought it best to go to mine as well. When I scurried through the foyer, I saw the eyes of the guests as they carried Lady Westworth up. They, no doubt, heard Regina's screaming rendition of what she saw. 

So as I sit here in my room waiting for Rachel to help me get ready for bed all I can do is rehash the day's events over and over in my head, trying to make sense of anything that occurred. 

Does Edmund really want to marry me? The kiss would say 'yes', but I think the answer is actually 'no'. Only moments before his proposal he was assuring me that he would help me find a new suitor, so I don't think he was planning to propose to me tonight. But then again, he did have the ring in his pocket, at the ready. But why did he allow Stephen the chance to propose first, if he wanted to marry me instead?

The only reason I can think of for Edmund to propose is that he is a gentleman. Like he told Stephen, if we had been caught in the kiss, my reputation would be ruined. Edmund must have proposed so that it wouldn't look as bad as it was. There is no way I would be accepted by another suitor let alone as a companion or governess if my reputation was ruined. 

But surely he can't intend to actually marry me. Why would he sacrifice the rest of his life for my reputation? No, that cannot happen. Perhaps he plans for us to have a long engagement, then it will fade after everyone has gotten bored of it. I will still be able to go into service and he won't be forced to marry me. 

While this solution seems best for him, I can't help but feel regret that I was so close to being with him forever, to having my heart's desire. I imagine myself teasing him at breakfast, his twinkling blue eyes looking at me with approval. Sitting in his lap in his study, with his fingers tracing distracting circles on my hip or leg. Having him kiss me like earlier today and other things that married people do. We would have children. Edmund with a little boy on his shoulders or a baby girl wrapped in a yellow blanket cuddled in his arms. Growing old together, running the Beaumont house while greying and getting wrinkles. I shake my head, I should not have such thoughts and desires. I always knew marrying Edmund was a fantasy, fit for a story book not real life. I will need to get over it.

I thought I would go to bed this evening knowing exactly how my life was to play out, but now I sit here more confused than ever before. I really need to talk to Edmund. I do not think I will be able to sleep until I do. I take out a piece of paper at the desk and pen a quick note.

E,
I am so sorry to disturb your evening. I am confused by the events of the day. I have many questions that need to be answered before I am able to sleep. I plan to be in the library picking out a book around 11pm.
E

I have no sealing wax available so it will only be folded. Should I send Rachel with the note? Or Fields perhaps? I hesitate to do anything else scandalous today. If someone were to read it... 

I peek out into the hallway to see if anyone is about. There is a maid carrying a lantern just going into the stairwell. "Oh! Pardon me!" She turns to look at me then curtsies. I wonder if she can read. "Do you know where Lord Westworth is?"

She smiles and curtsies again. "He had a late supper delivered to his study just moments ago, Miss."

I give her a smile of approval. "Thank you."

She enters the servant stair and goes up. I wait a moment before entering the stairwell to go down. I get very nervous as I approach the door of his study. My palms are sweating and my breathing more pronounced. What will he say? Will he tell me it was all a mistake? Why did I write a note if I could just ask to talk with him?