Painted Lady {h.s}

pleaser

★ HARRY ★

July 31st
1997

"Okay, where are we starting?" Max sits down in his chair, consulting the room.

We were lucky enough to be able to rent out a studio for the day to record in, the downside is the lack of music we have to record.

I took what Lorelai said and ran with it, well it was more of a jog.

I tried to write a vulnerable song but nothing would come out. I don't know how I was able to do it so much in the past, but that ability has since left my body. I laid awake all night just wishing that I could please her, and not take her advice for granted, but instead my mind was blank.

I eventually ended up back in our bunk, listening to Lorelai mumble incoherent words in her sleep as I whispered my thoughts to her. That's a new thing that I do. Spilling all my honest thoughts and feelings on her when I know she can't respond. It's cathartic but also heartbreaking.

I don't think I'll ever have the balls to actually tell her what I'm thinking and my feelings when she's conscious. This tour is taking a toll on me, and we both know it. But it's everything I've ever wanted and it's all I ever worked for, so I can't give up now. I just wish she could read my mind and know that everything I say, and everything I've been doing, is just a symptom of the sickness I've gained.

Everyone in the room stares at me, waiting for a light bulb to flash above my head and give them an answer, an answer I don't have. The stress of having everyone depend on me for the songs only adds to the stress of the tour and my doomed relationship. It's all becoming too much and I can feel myself breaking down slowly with every day that passes.

"Uh- Let's start with the instruments this time." I suggest, nervously scratching the back of my neck.

"Well we kinda need a melody to start with, so what do you have in mind?" Max presses me again and I can feel the sweat building in my hairline.

"Rock?" I shrug my shoulders. I haven't had anything to drink today, and that's all I can think about right now. I am trying to stay clear headed for this recording session, and for Lorelai, but it's only doing the opposite.

"Duh, but what kind of beat?" All of their eyes on me just make it harder to think, I'm slowly suffocating under their stares.

"Fuck! I don't know, you guys figure it out! I always come up with everything, I think it's time you guys do something for a change!" I snap, and all of them tense up at the volume of my voice. I instantly regret my words, but I know that it's too late to take them back now. Now I must lay in the bed I made.

"Jesus, dude calm down," Zayn mutters, his face full of disgust.

"Fuck off, Zayn." I'm not sure what has gotten into me, but all I feel is rage as I sit in this cramped room. I need to get out of here.

"What the hell has gotten into you lately?! You're always throwing a fit about something!" Zayn yells back at me, only making the blood in my system boil.

He doesn't understand. No one understands.

Jesus I sound like an angsty teen. I thought I was done with this part of my life.

"Fuck you guys, I'm out of here." I stand from the couch and briskly walk towards the door, hearing everyone scoff behind me.

"Yeah, leave! Go get fucking plastered and ruin your life further!" Zayn screams at me just as I throw open the door.

I throw my hand behind my back, flipping him off in my exit. The door slams behind me and I take my first breath of relief in a while. I felt like I couldn't breathe in there, though I tend to feel like that about a lot of places these days. I have no idea when life started to feel like it was suffocating me, but I can never find a time to breathe.