In the Wake of the War

Chapter-16

Vrushali was getting increasingly concerned at her son's continued absence. What kind of argument could have possibly taken place between Arjun and Vrishaketu that made him take solace in the forest(once again, dear gods, this disappearing habit of his needed to stop) and forget about everything else? Especially since Arjun himself had not considered the 'dispute' to have been that important.

On that note, had it been prudent to actually let Arjun go after him? Not that there was a choice other than any of his brothers but perhaps... sending one of the others might have been better? After all Vrishaketu hadn't had an argument with any of them. But given that he had reason to hold personal grudges against all of them except perhaps Sahadev...  

She sighed deeply, fiddling with her fingers.

Bhanumati had stayed in her room until just a little while ago thinking that she would wait for Vrish, but finally it had been only an hour or so left before midnight and Vrushali had sent her off, despite her indignant protests that she could certainly wait longer than that for family.

Vrishaketu was still not here. He had not eaten dinner either so Vrushali had had the servants prepare a plate for him and had set it aside on her bedside table.

Suddenly the doors blasted open and her son stormed in and then slammed them behind him with a resounding BANG!

Vrushali glared and geared up give him a good talking to, right up till the moment she got a proper look at his face.

His eyes were red, his face stained with tears and snot, his lips trembling, his chest heaving, his whole frame shaking.

Vrushali got up and rushed to her son.

She grasped his face in her palms and made him look at her.

"What happened, sweetheart?" She asked softly.

Vrishaketu looked at her with watery eyes and then with an enormous heave, he broke down sobbing in her arms.

What on earth happened with Arjun? Vrushali thought worriedly, as she guided them towards the couch.

She let Vrishaketu cry into her shoulder and stroked his hair. Once it seemed he had himself a bit more under control, she pulled away to grasp his shoulders.

"What happened?" She asked again, looking him in the eyes.

Vrishaketu hiccupped slightly. "Lets leave, Ma."

Vrushali had been expecting this. In fact, they needed to return to Anga anyway. And yet, for Vrishaketu to suggest this before she did, the very day he got his grandparents settled into the Palace, especially since he hadn't run into trouble with the Pandavas since their first day here... It had to be more than a mere argument.

"Fine." She said. "But don't you want to spend time with all your grandparents and kakis?"

She had to know what exactly he meant when he said 'leave'. Leave for now and return in a couple of weeks, or leave forever?

Thankfully, it turned out to be the former.

"No of course I do. We'll leave for a couple  of weeks and then return again. I just need to be away right now."

Vrushali waited.

"I wish we could take them all to Anga!" He exclaimed.

Vrushali continued to wait.

There were a few moments of silence.

"I don't ever want to see Prince Arjun again."

There it was.

He had said that he never wanted to see the Pandavas even before coming to Hastinapur at all, but now his voice was even more pained, and laced with personal grudge.

"Now will you tell me what happened?"

And then out came the whole story of how Arjun had mocked his father even after his death(going by the exact words he said, Vrushali didn't think mocking was his intention, but she would have to explain that to her son some other time), how Vrish had taken off to the forest to vent his anger and then he had broken down and then he had seen Arjun and much to his shame, he had become afraid, he was a coward, and out of  fear he had done the worst thing an archer could do-- let an arrow slip unintentionally.

When he finished, Vrushali pulled him back into her arms. 

"What have I always told you, my dear? Fear is not equivalent to cowardice."

"But a warrior must not be afraid of a mere silhouette of someone! Its ridiculous!" he huffed.

"It might be ridiculous, but it makes sense. It is natural to be afraid of someone who killed you brothers and Father, especially when you father was one of the greatest warriors of all time."

"Father was never afraid." He mumbled.

Vrushali pulled back and grasped her son's face gently. "Who told you that?"

"Well it obvious, isn't it? He was so powerful, so incredible, so unstoppable..... even in death..." his voice shook, "even his death was caused by deception. What could he ever have been afraid of?"

"Vasusen was afraid of many things. He was afraid for his friend's fate in this war, about his sons' fate in this war, and he was afraid of fighting after knowing the truth about his birth."

"Father was afraid?!" Vrishaketu asked incredulously. "He didn't seem the least bit afraid to me! He was every bit as ferocious and eager to fight as always."

"I don't think your father considered himself to be afraid," Vrushali said with a sad smile. "He was a headstrong warrior as well and you warriors think that being afraid of war is some kind of sin. I could tell though, from the way he spoke. But," Vrushali lifted up a finger to stop Vrishaketu's expected onslaught of 'But how can it be wrong if Father as the greatest, most powerful warrior ever, thought so'. Vrishaketu frowned at her, wiping at his nose.

"But. Your father himself told me that everyday, he was afraid of what society might throw at him. Everyday, he woke up, fearing more taunts and insults. And everyday, he faced that fear, head held high as he faced those who might insult him for his caste, despite him being a King."

Vrish looked down. "That makes sense. My fear is ridiculous, though."

Vrushali took her son's hands in hers, willing him to understand. 

"No it is not. It is not. You need you understand this, my dear. I have heard of far more seasoned warriors than you, fear far less consequential things than you, haunted by the memories of war. Their fears are not unreasonable, and neither are yours."

Vrishaketu swallowed thickly. "Can we still leave for a while?" he asked quietly.

"Of course. We need to, anyway. I'll inform your grandparents and kakis. We can leave tomorrow afternoon and return the week after next." Vrushali said. "Do you understand me though? Do you believe me?"

Vrishaketu looked away. "Will I always fear the silhouette of a completely unintimidating man then?"

Vrushali didn't know whether or not to smile at her son's inability to refrain from throwing a harmless barb at Arjun. Or well. What he thought would be an insult, because her Radheya would have considered it one and so would her Vrish. Many warriors would. She didn't know if Arjun would. 

"Of course, you won't. You'll overcome it. Courage is not the absence of fear but rather, going forward despite it. And you my boy, have never lacked courage."

Right. This chap feels kind of wacky to me and I am NOT very happy with it. Lets hope you are. Watch me as I attempt to talk about PTSD without actually mentioning it.