A Victim's Diary

8

Home, sweet home. If only. I didn't really find much time to journal between last time and now and even now I'm not quite sure what to write. I've been really stressed at work, but at least the boss is still as nice as he was on the first day. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it all soon and then I'll be fine, but right now it's all very overwhelming. Which is fine. This is a new job, after all, of course it's going to be like that.

I think mum is proud of me for getting the job. Of course, she doesn't say it. She would never say that she's proud of me or show any sort of emotion. My mum was always somewhat distant, I guess. Sometimes I wonder if she knows about dad. If she's angry at me because of it. But I don't know, she always acts so aloof. I wonder if he ever gets awful with her, too... Ugh. I don't even want to think about it.

But there's not really anything else I can think about right now. I'm kind of too scared to go to sleep. I feel like I need to stay awake, so I know what's going on. After all, I've seen him looking during dinner and it made me incredibly uncomfortable. I'm sure mum has noticed it, too. Still, she acts as if she doesn't know a single thing. Or maybe he threatens her the same way he used to threaten me. Still does.

I actually despise thinking about it, but it's all that's in my head right now. It's like this every single time I come here. I mean, maybe I should try visiting less... maybe that would do the trick. But I don't know. I don't know if that will even be possible. For now I still need some of their money to get me through the first month. But when I get paid... when I get paid I can probably visit less often. I can't keep having those sleepless nights.

And after all, poor Cora has already seen what kind of person dad is. She never told me about anything, of course, and I never asked, but... well, it was clear that she always was so relieved whenever my father was gone or when we went to leave again after a weekend. I wonder why she never said anything to me. I wonder if he tried the same things with her that he did to me... but I don't know.

I don't know if I should ask her or not. I don't think it would be a good idea, after all. She's rich and she's beautiful and... well, I don't know, I feel like she's going to look down on me and my family, if she knew. I feel like she'd judge me. Like she wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. But I still need her. I need her badly. I don't even know why I need her, it's just... I think I'm addicted to her life. I want to be part of it. I want to live through her, live like I have the same kind of privilege, the same kind of wealth that she has. And she is my only access to that kind of life, so I have to stick close to her.

God, that sounds so pathetic. I hate how pathetic I sound whenever I talk about her. It's so obvious that I'm jealous. Jealous to the point of wanting to be her. I wish I had her life. I wonder whether she ever had to deal with the same stuff I had to deal with and ~

Phew, I thought I heard some footsteps there. I kind of hate that I smeared the writing, but oh well. It's not like anyone else is ever going to read this. This is just my personal diary and no one else is supposed to ever see it. So it'll be fine. I just kind of lost my train of thought... well, either way, I'm not reading back over this, because I know I'd cringe way too much. But that sound gave me a fright. I can still feel my heart beating really fast. I wonder if those were footsteps or not. Maybe if I'm really quiet...

I know exactly which floorboards make which sound after all. But there is nothing right now. Weird. Maybe whoever was walking around stopped? Maybe they're going back to bed? Or maybe they're just waiting, knowing how terrified I'll be... I should probably hide this diary for a while... I don't want him to find it and get angry with me.

I know he'd kill me if he read what I'm writing in here. He'd kill me and he'd get away with it. I don't know how he'd get away with it, but I just know that he would. He's that kind of person that gets away with anything. But if I was to kill him... no chance. I'd go to prison. I just know this. I know that I can't do anything to him, I know I can't bring him down on my own. Maybe if I was stronger and more stable...