A Victim's Diary

21

I honestly don't know. This whole situation is getting out of hand. At least that's what it feels like. Jonathan has been a little better for a while, but he has slipped back into doing the same things I told him not to do. I'm not sure whether I should bring it up to him. Last time I tried to do that, he was getting really angry and it was scary, to be honest. I don't want to get fired or anything either. He knows so many people that work in law – I'll never find another job again if he has it out for me for some reason.

Maybe I should just go and talk to his wife. But I don't know how she'd react. I really don't know her well at all. What if she gets mad at me? What if she insists that Jonathan fires me and makes sure I never find work again? What if she already knows about this and thinks I'm pathetic for going out and telling her about it, when she is clearly okay with what's happening? And what if Jonathan treats her the same way he treats me? What if she's just happy that his attention isn't on her at the moment?

I genuinely don't know. It's a bit of a tough one to sort out. And I also have no idea who I could ask about this. Cora is acting really weird whenever I bring up 'the guy I'm sleeping with' as I call him. I still don't want to tell her that he's my boss, because she would absolutely freak out, I know that for sure. But yeah, she acts really weird when I bring him up and I don't know why. Cora is my best friend and I wish I could talk to her about this and ask her what to do, but she always shuts this topic down for some reason.

I honestly don't know what her problem is. But oh well. So Cora is out of the question, which is unfortunate since she's my only real friend, even though I know she's looking down on me in secret. I suppose she's the closest thing to a friend I have, really. I have no idea what I'd do without her. I would have no idea who to talk to, who to go out with and do stuff with and... I'd have no idea how to live.

But that leaves me with almost no options. I'm not going to talk to Marc. We're not friends and I don't like him much, to be honest. I think he doesn't like me much either, even though he keeps looking at me as if he's about to ravish me any second, which really creeps me out. And even though we spend a good bit of time together, we're not much more than mere acquaintances. The only reason I spend time with him is because he's Cora's fiancé. I'd never talk to him for any other reason than this.

I could talk to some of my co-workers, but... no. I genuinely don't want to admit this affair to any of them, because I know that they would kill me. I know they're jealous and I'm pretty sure that they would love for me to get fired. The whole thing with getting a promotion was something that has been rumoured for ages. And if they know that I am having an affair with the boss, they'll know right away why I'd be getting the promotion. I mean, I think I deserve it, but what if Jonathan has just been telling me that to string me along? It seems more and more likely that that's the case, unfortunately.

I can't go and talk to my parents, anyway. My mother would tell me that it's all my own fault and that I should never have done any of this and that it was a stupid idea to sleep with my boss and all of that. Which is true, but I already know all this, so her telling me again will just make me feel much worse and it won't solve anything for me. But that's my mother for you – always complaining and never doing anything about it. It has always been like that with her and I absolutely hate her for it, to be honest.

And my father... well, let's not talk about that. All I'll say is that he would get incredibly angry with me, because he's one of the most jealous people I've ever met in my entire life. Not that he has a right to be jealous.

He had no right to do any of the things he did to me and sometimes still does to me, but here we are. I'm weak. I can't assert myself. I find it difficult to say no to anyone or anything. I have no idea how to even be alive. Honestly, sometimes I wonder whether I'd be much better off if I didn't have to think about all these things and could just... not exist. I don't know, maybe I'm suicidal, but I have no strong urge to kill myself. I just want to be dead sometimes. I don't want to die, but I also don't want to exist.