A Victim's Diary

9

Okay, I have to write this down really quickly because I'm in the middle of my lunch break and I only have half an hour and I also need to eat and all, BUT. I feel so damn guilty. I knew this was going to happen. Things like this always happen to me. All the damn time and it's so annoying, because I'm actually sabotaging myself by just... by being like this. I guess it's some sort of daddy issues thing or whatever.

I mean, I know I like older men. I know that. I've known that for a while. And I also know that I like relationships that might not be the healthiest. Maybe even relationships that shouldn't be a thing in the first place, because they'd be a little unethical. But I just can't help it. I just cannot help getting into these situations.

I tried to be good. Really. I was trying really hard to be good this time, but it seems like I just can't control my feelings. This was absolutely bound to happen. I was bound to fall in love and I was bound to fall hard, too. And here I am, free falling for someone I really shouldn't even be considering. Is that my fault?

Okay. Here it goes. I've got a massive crush on my boss. He's just... He's so nice. He's so attentive. And he's pretty damn hot, especially for his age. Very charismatic, too. I don't know why I can't just stay away from all these men that I really shouldn't be dating or pursuing, but here I am, completely defenceless against this man's charm. I genuinely don't know why I am this way. It's barely been a month since I started here!

And then again... is it really my fault? I mean, if we look at the facts, he is HOT. He is incredibly hot. And it's not just the looks, it's the whole way he carries himself, the whole way he talks and the smile he has and his dark eyes and the way he's so ambitious and how he works so hard and... probably also that I shouldn't go after him because he's already married and he's MY BOSS. I mean, forbidden things always are much more desirable simply because they're forbidden, right? It's a whole thing, isn't it?

I wonder what Cora would say about this. She'd probably judge me for it. Or she'd tell me to go after him just so she could see the drama unfolding. Cora always tells me that she was a hopeless case when it came to men, but she also gets some sort of amusement from watching me go through those toxic relationships. Maybe it was just as toxic as her relationships, the way she likes to see me suffer so much.

I mean, I already know that she looks down on me. But I genuinely think that she can't help it. And I mean... her life is amazing. If she's toxic to be around, do I really want to give up on being part of this amazing live? She's my only access to this amazing world, this shining and dazzling world where everyone is rich and beautiful and has a good career and is educated and has all kinds of luxuries available.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that I've got this huge crush on my boss and I don't know how to deal with it. I've caught myself flirting with him a lot today and it's like this natural reflex for me. It's like I can't stop myself until it's too late. But the thing is... he was flirting back, wasn't he? Or was he just being nice? Was I being inappropriate? I can't tell. I have such an awful grasp over what's appropriate and what isn't, it's actually embarrassing. I mean, I keep sabotaging myself if I go on like this.

Anyway, I hear people coming to the break room, so I better stop now, before anyone sees this. (Imagine how embarrassing that would be! Ugh. Just thinking about that makes me want to stop eating. Anyway, I'll continue this in the evening after work, because I have A LOT to think about here. A LOT.)

Alright, now I'm safe at home and I can figure this all out. So. My boss. Jonathan. I mean, he even offered me his first name and all. I can call him Jonathan and he's MY BOSS. He's in his 50s which isn't too old (not as old as my father anyway!). He's married, which isn't great. I don't know what to do about this, honestly. I mean, I want him. I want him badly. Really, really badly. I need to have him, seriously.