A Victim's Diary

22

I've locked myself in my room and I'll stay there until I leave again. I actually can't believe what happened. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. This is awful. I feel sick. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Wouldn't be surprised if I did throw up. I just want to shower over and over and over. I feel disgusting. I feel disgusted. Disgusting and disgusted. I knew something like this was going to happen. I had a feeling about it, but I just ignored it. Why did I ignore it?

I really should have known better. I should have locked the door at the first signs of being tired and made sure that no one could get in, but the tiredness came on way too quick and way too strong. I'm sure it was because my father mixed something into my drink or my food. That bastard. I never thought he'd stoop that low, but honestly, I'm not surprised. It's just... It's just so damn gross that he did that.

Okay. Okay. I need to calm down a little and write down what happened. My memory is fuzzy enough already, because of the sleeping pills, so I really need to write down whatever I can remember before I forget that, too. I'm pretty sure that my memory is going to vanish over time and I need to remember what happened so I can take precautions next time and make sure this doesn't happen again.

I went to visit them and I could see from the way my father looked at me that he was going to try something. I knew it. I was ready to go and barricade my door once I went to bed, but then we had dinner and it was all good. I started feeling tired and I thought that was all normal and didn't think much of it. I had a long day, after all, and it was getting late. But then I got extremely tired all of a sudden.

Well, the thing was that I barely made it all the way to my room, before collapsing on the bed. And then I was out cold. I don't remember anything else for a while, I was just fast asleep, but when I regained at least some of my consciousness I was in my bed and in pain and my father was hovering over me and... well, I don't need to go into detail with that. It was absolutely horrible. It was disgusting.

And the worst part was that I couldn't even do anything about it! I was just there, more or less paralysed, but still somewhat conscious and I couldn't even speak, because the pills had knocked me out that badly. After some time (I have no idea how long) I fell back asleep. I genuinely don't know what happened to me after that. The next thing I remember is waking up around 5 in the morning, because I was cold.

I mean, of course I was cold, I was just lying naked on my bed and my room isn't exactly the warmest in the house. Either way, I was still tired as hell, so I crawled under the blanket not caring about anything else and went back to sleep. It was only after that that I properly woke up and realised what had happened. I locked the door and went to the en-suite to throw up. I felt awful. I still feel awful. My head is pounding and I feel dizzy and sick. I wonder whether that's because of what happened or the pills.

Either way, they have been trying to get me to leave my room for ages, so I can eat, but I'm not opening the door for them. I don't want to see either of them anymore. I'm going to wait until they both go out or go to bed and then I'll get out of here and go back home, because I can't stay here a minute longer. I feel kind of bad for my mother, because she has no idea what happened (or at least, I assume so – it's easier to assume that she has no clue). I keep telling her that I'm not feeling good, but I doubt she still believes that. Anyway, I'm not going to yell through the door that her husband raped me.

I just hope I'll be okay to get back to work tomorrow morning. I can't really afford to miss work, if I'm being honest. Not with how odd Jonathan is acting lately. I'm almost scared of him, to be honest, just because he's so unpredictable. I need to figure out a way to get out of this job without having to starve myself again. And a way to break off all contact with my father. Maybe Cora can help me with that.