A Victim's Diary

20

I haven't written in this thing in ages! I guess I didn't feel like I had to. And I was really busy. I mean, I even had to cancel plans with Cora a bunch of times, because I'm just constantly either working or with Jonathan and I barely have time for anything else. The only thing I managed to get scheduled was a visit to my parents this weekend. I don't really want to go, but... I mean, it'll be good to get out of the city for a while, even if it means I have to see my father. Maybe he won't try anything this time around.

Either way, Jonathan has kept me pretty isolated from anyone else and I didn't even notice until the whole novelty of having an affair with your boss had kind of worn off. I mean, he probably didn't do it on purpose or anything, but still. I've been spending so much time at work and I've only been focussed on my work and on him – I don't really have any friends at work! I can barely remember my co-workers' names.

Jonathan has been talking about a promotion and all, but I don't know. I wonder whether he was just saying that to wrap me around his finger or something. I don't think anyone's getting promoted anytime soon – and for a promotion I'd have to work well with the rest of the team, won't I? How can I do that when I barely interact with them? Maybe this whole affair has been a mistake from the start.

I don't know, I'm kind of starting to feel bad about it. I mean, he has a wife and they've been married for so many years... I mean, the deal was that he wasn't going to leave her for me and all, but he's started talking about it and... I don't want that. I don't want him to leave his wife for me or anything like that. I feel like things would get really awkward between us if he did that, because... I don't know, I don't think I want to be in a relationship with him? I mean, sleeping with him is fine and it's fun, but that's all I want. I don't want any strings attached, especially not since I realised how much of my time he uses up.

I don't know, really. I said it to him the other day when he was talking about leaving his wife again and I said that he shouldn't be telling me this just to keep me interested and that I didn't want him to leave his wife, at least not for me. The thing was that he got really angry. Like to the point where he was scaring me. I'm not sure whether I've just overreacted or anything. Maybe it wasn't that bad and I'm just being dramatic? I mean, everyone's always told me that I'm usually way too dramatic. Still, he has been off ever since.

Even when we're having sex he's been much rougher. I like a few spanks and getting choked a little, but he was taking it way too far that time. I know I should have told him to knock it off, but I don't know. I was kind of scared. I didn't know how to tell him without making him even angrier and I was kind of in a vulnerable situation there. If he wanted to he could have really hurt me. So I just let him do his thing.

I told him afterwards that I felt it was a little much and he seemed to be really sorry about it. He kept apologizing and saying that he just got carried away and I made him so angry earlier, because it sounded like I wasn't going to appreciate him making sacrifices for me and... I don't know. I'm just so confused. I don't want him to make sacrifices for me. Honestly. I enjoy hooking up with him, but that's all. I don't want anything more and if things don't work out for either of us anymore, we can just stop seeing each other and everything would be fine. But he keeps talking about leaving his wife and all.

I don't know, maybe I should break this whole thing off, but then he'll get upset again and since we always meet really late in a hotel or at the office, I don't really think it's a good idea to do that when he might get angry. But I have no idea how else to approach him. Maybe I should talk to his wife instead?

Ugh, this is such an annoying situation I'm in right now. And of course it's 100% my fault that I'm in this situation. Didn't I say it was a terrible idea to sleep with my boss? Technically he can ask me to do anything he wants, because he could just fire me if I didn't do it. He has way too much power over me and I haven't realised it until now. Because I'm just that stupid, I suppose. Honestly, I never thought I'd be in a situation like this again, ever since I slept with my professor. It was the same back then.