A Victim's Diary

11

I am honestly not sure how Cora and I even became friends in the first place. I don't know why we still are friends. But I can't imagine living my life without her. I can't imagine not going for brunch with her or going out clubbing with her. I can't imagine not getting lunch with her or coming over for dinner at her and Marc's place. Sure, I'm bleeding money into this friendship, but it feels worth it. It feels so worth it.

Then again, I'm not quite sure what to make of Marc. Sure, he's amazing and all. He's very handsome and I don't say that lightly about men that are as young as he is. But he almost seems a little too perfect, to be honest. And any interaction between him and Cora always seems so superficial and cold... I don't think I could have a relationship like that, to be honest. I just don't know how she can live like that.

Plus, I've seen the way he looks at me and... I don't know, it's like he somehow sees me as someone lesser, but at the same time he wants to take off my clothes with his eyes. It's really weird. And it makes me a little uncomfortable, but I don't want to say anything, because... what if I'm just making things up? What if that's not what's going on at all? Plus, I don't want to get in-between the two of them.

I know that I'm already spending a lot of time with just Cora and that I should give her some more space to be with her boyfriend, but I mean... I'm just so scared of fully losing her. It's weird, because this friendship feels like it's doing me more harm than good and yet here I am, terrified of just giving it up.

Honestly, this would be the best chance for me to get away from this friendship and find some friends that are healthier than Cora is. But... if she's not my friend and I don't have to work to be able to fit in with her and keep up with her, then why am I even working at all? I don't know if I could manage to keep up all this ambition if I don't really need to. I'm already overworked and stressed all the damn time. I'm worrying about money all the damn time. I'm barely sleeping unless I drop some sleeping pills.

If I didn't need the amount of money I need to be friends with Cora... I probably just would lose all drive to succeed in life. Hell, I wouldn't even want to have this kind of success, I think. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to just work on a farm, take care of animals and the fields all day, before falling into bed exhausted. It seems like a terrible job, but also so much more rewarding than what I'm doing now. I mean, it's meaningful work. It's something that people actually need in their lives.

No one needs me to defend some rich cunt in court for some bullshit loophole he used to not pay his taxes. Absolutely no one needs that. But people do need food. They need people working to clean water. They need people getting rid of trash. They need clothes. They need houses to live in. They need transport.

I shouldn't be thinking about this. It'll just make me really sad and depressed and I don't want to be sad and depressed right now. It's easier to live this life if you don't think too much about how terrible things are and how much better they could be. Of course, Cora would never think so. I brought it up once when we had breakfast after a night out and she looked at me as if I had three heads. Cora doesn't get it.

Of course she doesn't get it. She never had to think about money or what to do in life. She never thought about what meaningful work was and what kinds of jobs we could all easily do without. Hell, Cora benefits from this entire mess we made of the world. She has everything she wants, so why would she want to make things better for anyone? According to her everything is fine already, so why change.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm even mad about this. I mean I knew she was like that from the moment I met her and I actively wanted to be her friend, so that maybe I could have a tiny little part of that glamorous life. And I do get a part of it. Sure, I'm working myself into the ground for it, but does that matter in the end? I think I prefer that to a life of constant drudgery with no bright and sparkling moments in it.