Bitter

Twelve ^Eren's POV^

Eren's knuckles cracked as he clenched the bottle of vodka and brought it to his lips. He didn't mind the pain, nor the oozing of blood that speckled each of the little wounds on his hands. They were rightfully earned.

The memory of you crumpling to the floor after your head hit the wall echoed through his mind, the crack against the drywall sounding again and again on a loop.

Angrily, he swigged off the bottle again and slammed it down on the floor next to him. He had no clue why he cared, in that moment when he beat Porco into an unrecognizable pulp or even now, drunk in his room. You were an epic pain in his ass and had no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

But yet... watching you crawl from the hallway to get away from Porco had snapped something deep in him. He might not like you, but under no circumstances did he ever want to see someone lay hands on you. Hell, maybe he didn't even dislike you. He couldn't make his mind up amid the stupid bullshit Zeke was doing all the time. He maybe even empathized with you. You and him both had people you cared about constantly pitting against each other.

A knock on his door pulled him out of his thoughts and back into the real world.
"Eren?" Ymir's muffled voice called. Clumsily, he stood and opened the door a crack.

"Not interested in hearing about drama or a having heart to heart right now." He mumbled. Instead of waiting for an answer, Ymir simply shoved into his room and plopped onto the bed with a sigh.
"When you drop off the face of the earth we all get a little scared you know." She said carefully.

Eren retrieved the bottle from the floor and sank into the chair at his desk. He didn't have anything to say to that. Shame filled his chest as he remembered his disappearing act from three summers ago. He never talked about the reasoning behind it, not because he wanted to keep it a secret, but because he couldn't bring himself to tell his friends.

"I'm sorry," Ymir groaned. "I don't want to force you into talking about anything I just-"

"I get it." Eren cut her off hoarsely, raking a hand through his loose hair. Taking a deep breath he continued, "You guys are scared for me and I get it. I'm not planning on going off the deep end again. Ever."

"Does anyone?" She asked with her head cocked to the side.

She had no idea, but what she said struck him. He knew she meant nothing by it, but it stung nonetheless. She so casually brushed him off, as if she had no faith that he learned from his past mistakes- mistakes that burned him deeply.

"Do you think I liked all that shit I was doing all the time, Ymir? Do you really think it came without consequences?" He asked icily, rising from the chair. "Do you really think I'm so fragile that any little string of inconveniences is going to send me spiraling out of control?"

"I- Eren wait!" She yelped as he grabbed his keys and jacket. He didn't want to hear her apologize or ask any more questions tonight. If he couldn't get drunk in peace at home, he'd find another place.

"Go home." He mumbled, voice breaking slightly as he breezed through the doorway and into the hall.

"Stop running away and talk, Eren." She strained as she caught up to him. Fumbling, he stepped outside into the brisk night air. "You can't drive right now!" She scolded, wrenching his arm back to turn him towards her.

"I've driven on worse, remember?" He questioned dryly, snatching his arm from her grasp and closing the gap between her and his car. She stopped following him and simply stared as he backed out of the parking spot and left.

***

The place was busy even for a Thursday night, but miraculously Eren found a spot at the bar and ordered a double shot of tequila. People were seated closely at low lying tables and benches at the main seating area in the middle, which was set like a pit in the floor. Even more people packed the walls in standard sized booths and tables. Silverware clinked and glasses chimed as the other patrons smiled and laughed and enjoyed their night. Eren shook his head and tipped the shot back, swallowing all of it in one motion.

"Anything else?" The bartender smiled and pointed to the shot in his hand.

"A Paloma please." He asked flatly. The bartender poured and shook his drink skillfully and set it down in front of him.
"Enjoy." He said with a wink as he turned to the next customer.

Eren stirred his drink aimlessly for a while, letting the last few days really sink in. The never-ending shitshow that was Zeke always dwarfed whatever other issues he was dealing with. That's just how it was. Zeke was always pining after attention from their dad and scorning Eren's mother since he was a child; which laid the ground work for whatever treachery he was up to at any given point. He was his own person though, so Eren lost compassion for him years ago. And you... you were some new shitshow of your own. Eren's attention snapped back to reality as a hand lightly caressed his arm.

"Eren," the girl cooed, "it's been too long."

Staring down at him was the subject of his nightmares. Her mouth was curled in a mocking smirk, her head tilted to the side. Fingers trembling, Eren took his wallet from his back pocket and slammed three twenty's onto the bar. His heart raced as he stood and turned, desperate to leave.

"Oh come on, don't you want to chat a bit?" She purred.

"Fuck you." He spat, shoulder checking her as he strode toward the door. Surprisingly, she didn't follow him. She had her fun by simply watching his reaction to seeing her after three years. Heavy tears fell as he stumbled to his car. He didn't think too much as he turned the key and shifted and shifted and shifted. He had no clue what he was doing, where he was going.

He stumbled up the stairs to Armin's apartment, hardly aware that he was knocking on the door, or being let in. Or falling to the floor, or being picked up by his friend and being held on the couch.