But I Still Want You {Taekook}

18. Jeongguk

Taehyung didn't show up at the next session. Not that Jeongguk had hoped that he would but - actually, yeah, he'd hoped that he would. But BamBam, manning the front desk, told him that he had cancelled his subscription, just like he said he would.

And Jeongguk, who was living, since last Tuesday, in a state of half-disbelief, half-denial, and complete heartbreak, had no choice, this time, but to finally accept that Taehyung was going to keep his promises, and that he would probably never see him again.

He was shocked, and he was devastated, but mostly, surprisingly, he was angry. At Taehyung, who'd left him once again to deal with the cutting shards of his broken heart, but also at himself, because he wasn't obtuse to the point of not realizing that he could maybe have avoided that.

The problem was that he was too scared, too cowardly, to do anything about it now. He certainly wasn't going to beg Taehyung to come back; the mere thought of it almost made him puke with terror. No more baring his soul to Taehyung. He was always only going to get hurt in return, anyway. Maybe it was destiny's way of making him understand that they really weren't meant to be together.

But the worst thing - or second worst, after the fact that Taehyung was gone - was that he had no one to talk about it to. He'd been carefully hiding from his friends the fact that he and Taehyung had a fuckbuddies thing going on, afraid they would judge him, which meant they didn't understand, now, why he was looking so miserable.

Saturdays were his, Taehyung had said, and Jeongguk, just like the day before, had hoped that he'd change his mind and show up at the bar, but as time was passing, he had to admit that it was looking more and more unlikely.

His friends were happily chatting, oblivious, until Namjoon asked: "Isn't Taehyung coming today? He's late."

"Nah, he's not coming," Jimin replied. "Said he had something to do." His tone was light, but the way he glanced at Jeongguk made him realize that he knew everything.

Jeongguk was already wondering how to corner him somewhere in the bar to ask him how Taehyung was doing, but in the end, he didn't even have to do anything, since Jimin was the first to take the initiative.

"Hey, Jeongguk," he smiled, "wanna come help me grabbing refills for everyone?"

"Sure," Jeongguk replied, not even thinking about it before sliding from his seat to follow him into the crowded bar.

Once they were seated at the counter, Jimin turned to Jeongguk, suddenly much less cheerful. "So, are you going to tell me what happened between you and Tae? He's been crying for the past three days. What the hell did you do? Did you break up with him?"

Jeongguk frowned, heart stabbed by an ice pick when he pictured Taehyung crying all day long, alone in his apartment. It hurt, but it had been Taehyung's choice.

"He broke up with me," Jeongguk defended himself, before realizing his mistake and hastily adding, "well, not that we were together. But now we're not anything anymore."

"He broke up with you? Did you do something to him?" Jimin asked, eyes narrowed.

"What? No! Why would you ask that?"

Jimin observed him for a moment, before sighing and leaning on the bar. "Well, I can't picture Taehyung giving up on you. Kept telling him to move on, but he never wanted to hear about it. What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!" Jeongguk exclaimed, before hesitating. Jimin picked up on it and raised a questioning eyebrow. Under the unexpected weight of his gaze, it didn't take long for Jeongguk to cave. "Well, not much. I told him to leave. Maybe a bit too soon after sex. He got mad and told me it was better to stop everything, that he couldn't do it anymore. I didn't know he was going to get on his high horse."

"God, Jeongguk," Jimin sighed, head in his hands. "Why did you even accept to be his fuckbuddy? I mean, I know he's been the one chasing you..."

"Stalking me," Jeongguk muttered.

"Alright, stalking you. But you could have said no to sex. Why didn't you? You knew he was in love with you. Did you really want to hurt him that much? Was it out of revenge?"

Jeongguk snorted. "Revenge? I'm not that petty. Also, he's clearly not in love with me, since he just dumped me," he added bitterly.

Jimin stared at him, gaping. "Are you being deliberately stupid? Tell me you don't mean this."

Jeongguk hesitated. So, yeah, he was lying a bit about that, because he knew Taehyung had some sort of feelings for him. It had been written on his face, falling every time Jeongguk snapped at him. But he'd been fooled by Taehyung's acting once, and didn't intend to be a second time.

"Ok, so maybe he does like me..."

"Not even close," Jimin retorted. "Look, I know this is your story, and I wasn't there, back then, in high school, so I only know what Tae told me. But I know him. I was the one who scraped him off the ground when we reunited during college. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong back then, just said something like, bad break-up, and never mentioned it again. But he was a mess, Jeongguk. I mean, I know he hurt you, because he told me the whole story, finally, when you guys met again. He wasn't honest with you. He should have told you about the bet from the start. But he's a really good guy, and he made a mistake, and it cost him a lot."

Jeongguk wanted to cut him off, but Jimin was quicker.

"I'm not saying it didn't cost you too," he added in a placating tone. "But it cost him. He wasn't the bubbly Taehyung I knew in primary school anymore. He never forgot about you. And I know how he is in a relationship, too. He's never this invasive. He's never this pushy. You think he likes you? Think again."

Jeongguk stared at him, unable to move. His hands were shaking again. His chest felt constricted.

"The question," Jimin went on, "is whether you love him too."

"I... I just..."

"It's a simple enough question. Do you love Taehyung?" He was ruthless. Implacable.

"It's not a simple enough question," Jeongguk huffed. "It comes with a lot of..."

"Do you love Taehyung or not?"

"Yes!" Jeongguk barked. "Yes, okay? Yeah, I love him. God, I wish I didn't, but I do."

"Then why..."

"Because loving him doesn't mean shit. Loving him didn't help me the first time, in fact, it destroyed me. Loving him got me into this mess, and I'm sure as hell not making the same mistake twice. Case in point: he just dumped me."

"Because he thought you hated him!" Jimin yelled. "You didn't exactly make him think you didn't. He'd never have left if you'd come clean about it!"

"Your drinks, gentlemen," the barman interrupted, sliding beers and cocktails on the counter and throwing them a warning glance that meant, no fucking fight here. Both Jimin and Jeongguk deflated.

"Look," Jimin said in a quieter voice. "You love him. He loves you. Don't you think it's worth a shot?"

"I can't be sure he does. I can't be sure it won't end, just like the first time."

"Right, you can't. But I'll let you in on a little secret: no one does. And still, they try. It's called life. Sometimes, it hurts like a bitch, but you learn from it and it makes you stronger."

Jeongguk sighed. Breaking up with Taehyung the first time definitely didn't make him stronger. "That's bullshit."

"If you don't want to try for your sake, then do it for Taehyung. That poor guy is going to die by desiccation before the end of the week."

"That's tomorrow."

"Better do it before, then."