State Of Grace

Chapter 1 - Long Story Short

As she stood up in front of everyone, Gracie feared she might crumble into a million pieces at any moment. Public speaking wasn't something that came easily to her. Most of the time she tried not speak at all. She had known the other kids that sat around her for months now, she knew all about their lives and their problems at home. She'd sat and listened to them talk for two hours every Sunday.

The hospital's community hall was an ugly annex tacked onto the original stonework. Paint had begun flaking off of the walls in patches and the air conditioner was broken leaving a faint stale scent in the muggy air. The room that teenagers were supposed to consider their 'safe space' felt more like an overused sweat lodge. But for some of them, it was their only lifeline.

Her doctor recommended that Gracie attend her group therapy sessions when Gracie told her how nervous she gets meeting new people. Dr. Ellis thought it would be useful to meet people more like herself. Gracie didn't agree at first, but of course, she had no choice in the matter because Anita, her social worker, agreed with Dr. Ellis.

"Gracie, would you like to share next?" With hopeful eyes, Dr. Ellis looked at the timid girl, whose bony hands fidgeted with the tattered cuffs of her old sweater. She knew she'd have to tell her story at some point, and today, with her best friend at her side, seemed like as reasonable a time as any.

"Um, hi," she mumbled slightly, but spoke just loud enough that Dr. Ellis wouldn't insist that she speak up, "I'm Graciella Santos, people just call me Gracie," she chewed at her lip, "I'm 15, almost 16. I live in a group home right now."

The other teenagers in the group looked surprised, and a few of them tactlessly exchanged whispers, causing the shaky girl's face to flush red. Gracie was supposed to have things in common with them, and she did, but she was the only one there who was in the foster system. Among her peers, she was still an outcast.

"Uh so my parents," she tried to center herself again, knowing that the names she was about to say would make her tummy do somersaults. "My mom, Francesca, died when I was born, and my dad, Hugo, took his own life when I was 7. I guess a lot of my problems started then."

Gracie couldn't help it when the image of that day flashed across her mind. She had to reach down to take the hand of her friend Sarah; the only person who could pull her back into reality when she started to spiral.

"I've moved around town a lot; a few foster families that never really worked out, and now mostly group homes."

She took a breath. Name. Age. Backstory. Diagnoses. Goal. These were the five things that Dr. Ellis asked the group to discuss. Two left.

"I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD about a year ago after a suicide attempt," she took a deep breath in; she wasn't finished yet but saying those words out loud was the hardest part, and she had finally said it. "My social worker knew what was going on with me but I think that kind of shocked her into trying to help so that's why I'm here I guess. But I'm doing okay now, though; it's been three months since I last... you know," Gracie tugged on her sleeve to conceal the scars on her arm, "My goal is to get fostered, then hopefully adopted," she feigned an optimistic expression, knowing deep down that hoping for such things was an inane waste of time.

"Thank you for sharing," Dr. Ellis nodded, then continued chattering on about hopes and dreams, and all the other things Gracie couldn't make time for.

"Hey," Sarah squeezed Gracie's hand, "That was so brave," Gracie smiled, reassuring Sarah that she was okay.

The two girls had grown close in the three months that Gracie attended group therapy. They sat next to each other on their first day, and after Sarah shared her own story with the group talking about problems with her family that had led her down a dark path, Gracie saw parts of herself in her. For the first time in her young life, Gracie wasn't alone.