State Of Grace

Chapter 10 - The Other Side Of The Door

With one swift motion, blood drizzled into the bath. Each crimson droplet raced along the stark white surface before pooling to a stop at the drain, then slowly seeping down to later be washed away. It was almost as if the blood itself was excited to be released, and that's how Gracie felt too. But that feeling was fleeting faster than it ever had. Bloody fingers wrapped tightly around a piece of reflective glass, Gracie brought the makeshift blade to her arm again. Only this time, she couldn't find the courage to press down, her reflection stared back at her, and she'd had enough.

An overwhelming sense of shame and contrition called out from the back of her mind, Stella's words echoed; "Come and get me." The pain that usually brought Gracie some peace was only deepening her remorse. It was betrayal, she'd promised Stella she was done with it, yet here she was, stuck in a cycle of keeping her pain to herself over and over again.

There was another decision to be made, and this one came a little easier. After washing away the blood that had pooled around the drain, Gracie gathered her supplies and stumbled out of the tub, she took a breath and dropped everything into the trash can, covering it with wadded-up toilet paper. She turned to face the door and, not allowing herself a second to look back, ran from the bathroom and down the hall in search of her foster mother. Just as she reached the top of the staircase, Stella was making her way up.

"Hey, I was just coming to-" Her eyes landed on the blood that had started to seep through the cuff of Gracie's grey sweatshirt.

It was time to break the cycle.

"I'm sorry," Gracie said, "I think I need-" her voice trembled, "I need help," her shoulders dropped like a huge weight had been lifted just by reaching out.

Without saying a word, Stella grabbed Gracie's wrist, stemming the bleeding with her bare hand, she led her back into the bathroom where she rinsed away the blood and wrapped her arm with a bandage to match the other arm. Once she finished, she stepped back and looked at Gracie, whose bottom lip was quivering as she fought back tears, her head bowed in a mixture of shame and humiliation. The look in Stella's eyes pained Gracie, she looked disappointed, but also terribly sad.

"I'm sorry," she whimpered.

"No," Stella shook her head, "No, do not apologize," she stepped towards Gracie and took her hands, "You will get through this, I promise."

Gracie wondered how she could promise something like that, but she tried her best to have as much faith as Stella had.

"We'll get you an appointment with Dr. Ellis tomorrow and see if there's something more we can be doing to help you," she stood up again and led Gracie downstairs to the living room, "Come on, I'll get you some tea and we can sit and talk."

Stella's grip was so tight on Gracie's hand that she didn't know what to do with herself, she'd never felt so protected. Someone had her back.

"When people try to help me, I push them away. Well, that's what Dr. Ellis said. I guess I just find it hard to believe that I deserve help when I'm the one doing this to myself. Logically, I know that's not true but at the same time it- it's just hard. And I know that what I do—the self-harm—it's an addiction and it takes time to learn to control it or at least keep it from controlling me, but every time I think I'm on top of things, it's like the rug is pulled from under me," Gracie opened up as she sipped her herbal tea. She and Stella sat out in the garden.

"Did something happen today? That made you want to do it," Stella asked, taking a sip of her coffee. She was still holding Gracie's hand.

"Well," Gracie contemplated whether or not she could tell Stella, that would mean telling her about Rachel. Unless she found a way around it, "It's kind of stupid. I was sort of seeing someone, I mean, it wasn't anything official. And then I met a boy last night and got a bit carried away and I kissed him," her cheeks flushed red, "I just felt so guilty so I ended it with the other person. But it's not just that; I can't drag someone along with me while I go through all this trial stuff, it's not fair."