If I jumped

Chapter 2

A few months later I had gotten a bipolar type 1 diagnosis, a medication I had to take daily, and a therapy session with Regina every week. "Did you take your medicine?" mom asked when I stepped into the kitchen. "yes before I brushed my teeth and hair" I replied. "I'm so proud of how far you've come in a short time" my dad smiled at me pouring coffee in his cup. I had been feeling okay for a while, but slowly the medicine had stopped working, I had started to feel empty again, but I didn't have the courage to tell anyone. I decided that it was better to pretend that everything was okay. I wanted mom to stop worrying and this was the only way.

"Remember your therapist session at one. Do you need me to take you there?" mom said. "I won't forget, and no I don't need a lift", I replied shortly. "You need to work anyway, I don't want you to leave early just to take me to therapy", I continued. Mom's face softened. "I would do anything for you, but if you are sure you don't need me to take you I won't", she told me and shifted her eyes to David. "What?" my dad asked, he was sure he had missed something again. "Nothing", mom laughed so long I could still hear her when I returned to my room.

I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling, I'd have to think of something to do for six hours before I'd need to leave. It took me a month to be able to sleep again, but for some reason I hadn't slept at all the previous night. Every time I closed my eyes I saw her, Regina. Her kind smile and the way she looked at me when I told her about my problems. I thought she was the only one that actually understood me, but somewhere deep down I knew it was bc it's her job, it's her job to at least pretend to understand.

I shifted my eyes to the door, I couldn't hear anyone moving outside of it but I hadn't heard anyone leave either. I couldn't have been in so deep with in my own thoughts that I hadn't heard the front door open and close twice. I got up slowly and headed to the kitchen, it was empty. "Mom! Dad!", I yelled, no one answered. The kitchen still smelled like breakfast, I loved the smell of toast. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I took it in my hand to see a message from an old classmate, Ruby. "Hi! I heard that you are feeling better, would you want to go hang out some day?" I read the message over and over again. I hadn't heard of anyone after I got kicked out. "Sure, are you free Saturday?" I texted her back.

"I am free after my shift at Granny's. See you there at 4pm?"

"I'll see you then."

A slight smile had rose to my lips, felt like the emptiness was fading away until I realized it and it came back two times as bad as it had been the whole week. I wandered back to my room and saw the blade on my desk, I had been clean for two weeks. The blade looked like it called me to take it just this once, I had to close my eyes to stop myself. When I opened them again I looked at my wrists they were clean of any marks or scars, but my legs weren't they were full of little cuts some deeper than others. Some scars were over three years old but still almost as visible as the day I had made them. I brushed off the thought of new wounds and the feeling they had caused me, I had to stay clean, if not for me then for doctor Mills, I had promised.

When the clock finally hit 12.30 pm I left the house wearing black jeans, a gray shirt, and a red leather jacket. It took me about 20 minutes to walk to the hospital. I wanted to be there early just in case Regina had the time to see me earlier, usually, she had another patient right before me but once she had let me inside five minutes early. I entered the mental health department "Hi, I'm here for my appointment with Doctor Mills", I said. "Hi, Emma. You know the drill already, Dr. Mills will take you in when she can", the woman behind the counter told before checking me in. I nodded quietly, walked to the waiting area, and sat down on the same empty chair that I always sat on.

Ten minutes later Regina opened her door. "Emma, come in." I got up and looked at her, she wasn't smiling. Something had to be wrong I thought. I sat down on the comfortable armchair. "How are you feeling?" Regina asked. "I have better days, this one isn't one of them", I blurted out without even thinking. "Your mother called", Regina's voice was calmer than usual. "Why?" I asked, my heart started to beat faster. "Have you started to cut yourself again? She said that she saw the blade on your desk", Regina asked, I couldn't bring myself to look at her. "No!" I almost shouted. "I promise I haven't cut myself in two weeks. You have to believe me", my voice sounded miserable when it escaped my mouth. I was ready to do anything to prove it to her. "Why do you have it on your desk then? I asked you to throw it away", Regina's voice was firm, it scared me. "I- I couldn't get myself to do it, something in me wanted to keep it, wants to keep it" I admitted. Regina sighed but didn't say anything. "I will throw it away I swear", I had to fill the silence with something. "Good", Regina answered. "So what's been happening this week?" she continued, her voice back to the normal soft one I had gotten used to.

I told Regina about Ruby, about the empty feeling and the sleepless night. "Promise me that you will see this Ruby girl", Regina said. "I promise", I nodded my head. "I'm actually really excited to see her, it's been a long time", I smiled. "So you do know how to smile", Regina smirked. "What?" I asked. "I haven't seen you smile any of the times you've been here", she explained. "Oh, I don't think I've had a reason to smile before this," I said quieter than normal. "That's completely okay, but I hope to see that smile again, it suits you", Regina said, writing something in her notebook. The warm feeling of hope started to burn in my chest again, every time I talked to Regina she got me to feel hope. I wished I could've felt like that every second of every moment.