Hey Daddy

Letter 5

Hey Daddy,

Well, it's coming up to a year since you've been gone and I must admit, it's been one of the worst years in my life. Not having you here has been tough. More than often it's made me want to run away and become someone unknown. I just want to be like someone who doesn't have any worries or cares in the world.

I honestly don't know how Craig is feeling right now with that date looming upon us. He just shuts himself away in his room and it's like he doesn't even want to acknowledge that we're even in the room. It just makes me realise that everything has changed since you're gone. I want to cry a lot of the time but I just can't show my emotions because I'm sure that once I start I'll barely be able to stop.

Mum has a different kind of story. Her back has gotten worse. She had x-rays and it showed that she has movement within her arthritic joints. I'm scared that I'm going to have to give up everything to care for her 24/7, and I love what I'm doing, even if I'm running a little behind everyone else with learning things. Being away from everyone and everything, it just makes me feel alone and I have to be fully alert.

Where we stay now is good but it's often just boring and uneventful, our new housing officer though is a bitch. She says that we'll be evicted if we have much more things going wrong.

Many things have been annoying me lately but I'm scared, dad. I'm scared that I'm going to end up being sanctioned so that they can get me sorted out. My medication isn't working anymore and I'm on a new batch. Onto my second month of them but I don't feel any effects of them. I'm still having the same thoughts as before and I'm still feeling like I shouldn't be here or that no one wants me around. But I'm sure everyone feels like that, right? Maybe. I don't know.

I don't even know what's going on with Uncle Tam and Uncle Jimmy, they haven't contacted us. There again, we haven't contacted them either but I suppose it's a two way street on that. We don't have to be the ones doing all the contacting when they have our numbers too. And part of me misses Uncle Tam and his hugs and the names he called me. Miss Marple to name a few. Strange though, how I was the one who ended up with the nick name and Craig had none. Although, he had more contact with Cousin Shaun than I did.

Longer with everyone in the family. Sometimes it sucks being the youngest out of six but sometimes it's great being the youngest. Especially if we find our other four brothers, cause then they could protect me as well. But then I'd be ridiculed beyond belief. The only girl? yeah, no thanks.

I wish you were here so I could talk to you, and hug you over and over again. But I know that's just a fantasy. Something that would never happen. Just like my love life. And my friendship with some people.

Thomas ended up being a douche. He hurt me and there's no way I can go back on that. I wanted to be his world and more but he just turned it into a dump and you know. Although he had the same music taste as me and so much more but he just ended up being the douche who I thought he would be. After him saying he'd delete my number, he didn't and kept texting me, trying to get me to talk. I ignored him and I ended up blocking his number. But now, now he's trying to get me to talk on facebook and on meetme. He's even going to the hassle of viewing my meetme profile every day or something like that. I often wonder what I seen in him, maybe it was the fact that he showed me attention or something. I don't know. But it was something. Something I could've done without.

I suppose I will learn the hard way. Just like everyone else out there. I will learn not to trust everyone with the drop of a hat. I will learn not to believe everything that comes out their mouth. I know that was something that you taught me. Something both you and mum did.

Each day I wish that you were here to get me laughing or something but I don't know what to say anymore to anyone and I wish I did. It's making me feel like I don't belong in a world with people. I feel like I belong in a world with the animals, because they don't speak to each other. They just bark or meow, or caw. I just don't belong anywhere.

I'm sorry it's so depressing this time, but I miss you, dad. I miss seeing your santa claus face every day. I miss seeing your bald head and your fireman's gut. Wait, that's untrue. Your gut was so big you could class it as a beer belly. Sorry. I miss you.

I love you.

Your dearest daughter,

Marriann xx