Hey Daddy

Letter 18

Hey Daddy, 

Feels like forever since I wrote in this - probably because it has been. Christmas was the last time, I think. 

Well, dad, it's the week leading up to you early passing and I hate it. Because it keeps me wondering about the what ifs. What if we'd forced you to the hospital earlier. What if we'd phoned a doctor in, at least. So many what ifs floating around that I can't sleep. 6 hours sleep I've had within 3 days but it feels like more. 

"Please let me go. Please let me die."  Are the final words I hear you whispering to me at this time of year, and I want to forget them, I do, but they won't leave. They're etched their like glue. Glue that I just want to rip away, and I really don't care if it causes me to lose half my brain or not. I just don't want those words etched. 

I want to be someone who does you and mum proud, but lately I have felt nothing more than a failure because I have not been able to stay in college - in two hard course. Always let it get the better of me. 

It feels like forever since I last seen you, felt you and held you but in reality, it's only been 3 years. Feels like 30 though. Life sucks and just wish it'd get easier but hasn't. 

We got a new puppy 6 weeks ago. You would've loved her. She's so cheeky but so adorable. She's a fatty and a barker but she gives you unconditional love - even when you don't deserve it. We're getting a cat called Luna, too. Just need to wait on her coming away from her mum. 

I never thought of how much I'd miss you until it was too late to say 'I love you' to your face. I wish I got to say it in a loving manner, instead of the joking ways I said it. I wish I was less of a bitch when you were around, but I guess part of me thought you'd live longer to see me grow older. 

I don't want to blame the hospital or their staff, but I can't help it. Some of the words they said remain locked and loaded, too. 

We miss you more every day, Dad. We sometimes wish we could turn back the clock for one more moment with you. Call me selfish but I'd just like you to be here for one more birthday, I know you're not far away though, but I just want one more physical moment. 

I miss you so much, 

Your loving daughter, 

Marriann xxx. 

PS. I love you <3