Hey Daddy

Letter 11

Hey Daddy, 

Tomorrow marks the second Christmas we've spent without you. I don't even know why it's this hard for me on Christmas Eve, when I was completely numb and neutral last year. I'm sat here just wanting to cry at everything, even though it's not sad. 

I just want to turn back time to when I was a  little girl so I could unwrap my presents from mum and you, and then crawl upon your lap and give you hugs for the wonderful gifts. I didn't ask for anything this year, because the one thing I truly wanted wasn't possible. Nothing's going to bring you back and I know that but I just keep wishing that there was a way it was possible. I just keep wishing for a miracle, or hoping that I'm in a coma and I'm going to waken up and see you still here with your zimmer and your issues. I'd give anything to just see your face one more time, to hear your voice once more, to hold your cold shaking hands once more or to even feel your bear hugs. 

We go see gran tomorrow but part of me just wants to stay in bed and cry for the full day, just to wish away the day. But it's not possible. I have to try and relish the memories I'm able to create with everyone else around me. 

I just want things to be normal, I just want my family back together. To be whole. To feel whole. 

I'm missing you more this year, dad, and I don't know why. I'm used to feeling numb and unwilling to do anything - as you know why my depression, but I'm just at an all time low. With everything. Christmas, college, life and feelings. I don't even know what direction to turn in. Left, right or just go straight on. It's like I'm just travelling along a path that has no ending, no memory of where it began. It's tough and I just want it to end. I want to be normal again, daddy, and there's no way it is even possible. 

I just hope you're having one hell of a party up there, Dad. I really do, because it's not much of one down here. 

I miss you, daddy, 

I love you. 

Have fun, 

Marriann xxx