Hey Daddy

Letter 9

Hey daddy,

Today I turn 21 and I just wish it didn't come. I know I had my 20th birthday last year without you but this is more special. It's the one big event that you're meant to celebrate. And it sucks. Everything sucks and I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to scream and cry and just hide away for the day but I know that's never going to happen. It's just going to be horrid.

It's cousin Shaun's birthday too and he would be 45. An age aunt Anne would've loved to have seen him reach. I miss him, I miss her and I miss you.

I start college in under a week and it's like all of my nerves from the last few years are coming to haunt me. I can't sleep, I'm eating more and I'm just being so antisocial again. Although, I'm unsure if that's something to do with my depression. The last part anyway.

It sucks. Everything just sucks. You didn't ask to die and I know you did the Monday before you did pass, but you changed your mind right? You changed your mind on that? I still remember those words. I still remember you saying "just let me go. Please just let me go." And I remember even going into the living room and crying. It just sucks that on my 21st you're not here.

I should be fine by now, it's common law. It's been a year and I can't still get over it. I can't forget about what happened and I know I should be but it just makes me feel mad. The hospital neglected you and your heart condition and they denied it. They refused to believe it was their mistake. They left you in a wheelchair for 2/3 hours!! You weren't on the bed properly either at the latter end. But I still feel guilty for leaving you that night. I didn't properly get to say goodbye with hearing your voice. It was just muffles when we left the first time. And not one person realised that you weren't even healthy. You were sick and they missed it. They always said that they were looking for something for you and that they were doing what they could but they were doing nothing.

And did you know that grans carer left grans front door unlocked all night. Anything could've happened and then it would've been her responsibility but I'm guessing it's all the same, they all lie for each other and make sure no one loses their job or that they don't have to pay out for the mistreatment.

I'm sorry.

I love you and I miss you,
Your loving daughter,

Marriann xx