Hey Daddy

Letter 13

Hey Daddy, 

I don't actually know what to say. Today marks 2 years (June 1st) since you've been gone. And every day it's just gotten harder and harder to deal with. Part of me keeps wishing you'll walk through the door with your zimmer still. I keep waiting to hear your machine bleep, telling us that your mask is leaking and needs fixed. Oh god, how I long to hear the famous bleep from the machine. I just wish to hear anything, your voice, your machines, the scraping of your zimmer along the floor. Heck, I'd gladly take to hearing your farts right now. 

I still don't get what's meant to happen now. I really don't. 

Part of me is still so angry that the hospital refused to do the blood test that could've potentially save your life. And the other part of me is still so numb from everything. I keep recalling the memories from the hospital and that dreaded day/night. I want to move on, I really do but I'm just so torn and angry at what happened, and the lack of care on your behalf. And then how they managed to defend themselves afterwards, when I knew different. Mum knew different and we tried to fight it, we did, but I don't know anymore. 

I need you here, dad. I know it sounds so selfish but I really need you. We all need you here. Everything's just really bad right now and I don't know how much more I can really take. My medication, which was stepped up, isn't working. I just want to end it all, dad. I just want to be gone. I'm just tired of taking medication that isn't working and filling my body with chemicals and toxins that aren't needed to be there. 

I know you'd be proud of me no matter what I'd done, but I don't think you'd be happy with me dropping out of college because my mental health got too bad for me. I don't think you'd be happy with some of the choices I've been making or how I've been going on about life. I just wish I was normal, dad. No scars, no horrid past, no darkness creeping in my mind and making it impossible for me to get through the day. 

I just want to stop crying, dad. Crying over missing you, and missing everything we ever did together. I know that if I ever get married, it's going to be so hard. Especially when you're not there to walk me down the aisle. Or see you grandchildren grow up. It really kills me that everything's going to be so different when I get to that stage. If I ever get to that stage. 

I love you, dad. I'll always love you. Nothing and no one will change that. I just wish you could've seen more than just the four walls of a hospital, and all the places we used to go. I wish you could've seen the world and everything more. 

I miss you, dad. 

I'll always love you. 

Marriann xx