Hey Daddy

Letter 4

Hey Daddy, 

I wish it was easy to write this letter, but it's not. I wish I could say it's getting easier but it's actually getting harder. It's coming up on eight months without you being here and honestly, it sucks. But I suppose, it's a new year and a new start for us all. Though, it's not really a new year. It's just sucking so badly. 

Craig is playing up as usual. Always demanding I be his taxi driver. Thinking I have an unlimited amount of petrol to keep him up in his drinking habits with everyone. It just hurts at times because I want to cry but I know it's not worth it in the end. The tears just bring back more horrid memories. I wish I didn't have the image planted in my head of how you were at the latter end. I wish I didn't feel how cold your skin was. 

Your ring is still round my neck, still in my possession and it's not going anywhere. It'll always be with you, as will you. I know it sounds stupid and weird but whenever I take it off I feel like I'm letting part of you go. I know you'll never go anywhere, but it's just hard to grasp this fact that you're not here physically. 

I don't know how mum copes, because she's keeping it all locked up inside her. Granted, she does give me an insight now and then but otherwise, it's nothing. I know at the beginning that she wasn't coping well with anything and that hurt more than anything but I think she's getting used to the idea of your passing. However, it's just hard to fathom, struggling with reality. 

College is going good, but I think it's telling on me too much at the moment. Kate (Second Cousin) is getting really bad. Like Aunt Nette was in the end too. She's under six stone - looks like she's anorexic and worse. I just want things to be normal, for our family to be normal but it's just hard. Because death is part of life and so is birth but they're full of baloney for the latter end. The things we have to go through to be alive, is the most awkward and heart-wrenching thing ever. 

I don't know how Uncle Tam and Uncle Jimmy are doing because we haven't been able to contact them. Although we have their numbers, its just hard to phone them and speak because their voices are too much like yours and it just hurts to hear them. Pathetic isn't it? Scared to contact your uncles because you're too afraid of hearing their voices and breaking down. 

Christmas wasn't much better. Mum broke down in front of Craig and I, over the gift I gave her. A photo frame with a picture of you and her in it. I often wonder what things would be like if you were still here. I wonder if you'd be enjoying yourself living in the country, seeing the pheasants all day and sitting outside when you could. I just wonder if your life would've improved dramatically when you moved house. 

All these wonders are just playing in my mind and it drives me insane sometimes but I know I can't actually lose my cool, especially not in front of mum. She'd end up breaking down too and I can't be the one that makes her. Although, I'm sure she does it in her own time whenever Craig and I aren't there. 

Our new house is alright. The neighbour is a bit of a cow but we all can't have perfect neighbours. I actually broke down in my car a few weeks ago. I left my car lights on and had to get Archie to come and help me get back on the road. It was totally embarrassing. Was totally freezing for the whole hour that I was sat there. I'm an idiot.. Trust me for the mistake of the unthinkable. I guess that's what happens when you're late at wakening up and have to leave in a rush. 

Sometimes I sit and think of how you'd react to most of the things Criag's doing with the money in mum's bank. Whether you'd be angry or go full on Hulk mode. I'm guessing the latter because you always did go coocoo when he done something he wasn't meant to. Life isn't what it seems, is it? 

Anyway, I miss you. So damn much. I just hope you're having the best time up above.

Much love, 

Your Loving Daughter,

Marriann xx