Hey Daddy

Letter 10

Hey Daddy, 

I needed to write this. I needed to tell how I was feeling, but the thing is, I can't exactly explain how I'm feeling. I'm confused, I'm exhausted, I'm sad and I'm just lost. I miss you. I miss all our memories and our conversations. I know sometimes I was the biggest pain in your arse, but back then, I was struggling with coming to terms with my depression, something I continue to struggle with today. 

I wish things got easier. It's been a year, 4 months and 6 days since you passed, and I still keep thinking you're going to walk through that door with a big smile on your face, zimmer in hand and just jaunty as hell. But I know it's not going to happen. My deluded fantasies won't be able to come true. And I wish they would. Because I'm lost. I'm lost and I need you to guide me, because I can't do this on my own. I can't manage life without you here. I know I need to be a big girl, since I'm now 21, but I need you. I need one of your hugs, with your beard tickling my shoulder. 

I wish I could go back in time and see all the wonderful things again. All the wonderful memories we'd created, because I can't seem to remember them. I can't seem to remember most of the things we done when together, even as a family. 

But, I do remember the car trips to Edinburgh, the travel sickness, and the messes I left you to clean up. The end result was worth it. I'd go back and do it all again, if I could get one more chance with you. With all the family. You, Uncle Tam, Aunt Ann, Cousin Shaun, mum, Craig and I. The family meals and the walks to Hume castle just up the road. 

Today, at college, was the worst day possible. I nearly had my second breakdown in the company of others. And honestly, if it wasn't for two classmates, I possibly would've done it. The tears were welling up and the lump was formed in my throat. However, I just wish she would've been a little less of a bitch towards my whole assessment. 

All because I didn't understand the question in the first place and attempted to do it, unaided. She thought I was being ignorant towards her advice. I just didn't feel like things made sense. Her writing or advice. But, I finally understood it. But then she got pure snappy with me. You know how I'm hard of hearing? Well, I didn't hear her shout me down and I was busy packing up my things and she pure went, "are you finished?" And the tears nearly flew out there and then. I held it together, surprisingly. However, I felt like she was out to get me today. Was the worst experience of my life. And I've had a few. Especially with losing you at the top of that list. 

My phone had gone off in class, and she snapped at me again, for something I had no control over. How am I meant to control something that I can't? When people phone me, I often ignore it but come on... IT WASN'T MY FAULT IT RANG. I know what you'd say. The words keep playing on my mind. Cause you said them when I told you about when I was accused of having sex with a classmate when I actually came home sick. You'd tell me to report the bastard. Because they're talking down to you and not helping you. It's the same thing gran will say if I ever tell her. Which I won't. There's no point in telling her something that she doesn't need to know. 

I just wish that you could've gotten to see me act at least once in your life. I wish you could've gotten to see me be me and doing something that I love. I know you didn't prove of my unconventional way to going for things, but, you understood that this was something I loved and I wanted to continue it further. 

It's hard to believe it's been so long since I last heard your voice. Your words the Monday prior keep ringing through my head and sometimes they haunt me in my sleep. "Just let me go. Please, just let me go." Your pleads with mum and I to just let you leave the earth. But, we couldn't allow it. We needed you to fight, and you did. For as long as you could. I wish things could've lasted a lot longer than what they did, maybe even until after my 21st birthday but some things aren't meant to be. 

I miss you, dad. I miss you dearly. And every day my heart beats just for you. Beats to keep your memory living on. I love you. I love you to the moon and back. Hope you're having a party up there, and I'll see you soon. 

Your loving daughter, 

Marriann xx