Hey Daddy

Letter 7

Hey Daddy, 

Today marks your 60th birthday, and it sucks because you should be here celebrating. You should be here with your family being pampered. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the time and say 'I love you' to your face instead of in my head all the time. I wish I could hold you one more time to feel your warmth against me. 

I wish. I wish. I wish. 

All the wishes couldn't help me, because nothing's going to bring you back, I know that but it just hurts so damn much. Going through life without the presence of you there. It just sucks. 

Many times I've wondered where we'd be living now if you were still here and whether you'd feel a bit better or would've gotten worse. 

July 8, 2015 - a day we should've been having a big party to celebrate you getting to this milestone, but instead I'm having to imagine things and how they would've panned out. I've not shed many tears since last year, there are times where I want to but I just can't seem to force them out. I have cried when I've been by myself, but it's not the same, is it? There's no you there to hold me and tell me things are going to be alright, and to remind me that it's fine to fight back. 

I wish you were here, at this very minute, or well I wish you were here on June 19, 2015, when I was told I was too fat to get onto my next course. Gran's reaction done it for me. She said she was going to go to the college and give her a piece of her mind. Good thing gran's locked in then. Otherwise, we would've been bailing her out of jail. 

I'm not quitting though, I'm fighting and showing her that I don't back down from a fight but I know I should be losing the weight, however, everything's just getting on top of me. Not only that, we've had Cailyn for a weekend - and then I ended up with multiple spots. Ended up thinking they were chicken pox but thankfully it's not. Doctor told me that today, after he upped my meds. And holy bejesus, they're like horse pills. So big and massive. However, the big shocker today was what mum had been diagnosed with. She has severe arthritis in her lower spine and it could eventually put her in a wheelchair. 

I miss you, 

I love you, 

Marriann xx