Hey Daddy

Letter 14

Hey Daddy, 

I just wish things could get easier, and I know I say the same thing in every letter, but it's true. I miss having you here. I miss hearing your voice - because I've forgotten what it sounds like. I don't remember how deep it was, or how gruff it was. I don't remember anything about it. I forget your laugh, your little giggles when talking to someone and something was funny. I remember half the stupid things you've said out car windows and just randomly. The one I'll never forget though, is driving past the Odeon cinema and you loudly shouting out the window "Marriann needs a shag." As if anyone wanted to hear that, father. But it was hilarious and although it did make me want to die with embarrassment, it's one of the sweeter moments I hold dear to me. 

The reason I'm writing this is because I read an article last night, and it made me realise how much people say they understand and that they're there for you, but leave you at the first hurdle or they don't even bother to stay. They tell you that you'd be better off without them and then come crawling back. 

I know some people can't handle the pain, dad, but come on? They said they'd be there and then they walked. I tried to forget it, I've tried and tried but my mind keeps making me remember it. He's a friend again, but it's never going to be the same, and I hate it. I hate myself more, and I know you'd likely tell me to get over it but it's hard. It's not the same, and I just miss you being here and telling me those hilarious little stories. Even though they were always the same, I loved them nonetheless. The reminded me of how you weren't perfect and that you made mistakes. Even the one with your ex-wife. Now that was hilarious. Might have been derogatory for some, but if only they knew that you were cheated on and then my brothers taken away from you and placed in care, they would've seen different. Maybe I would've known them then. Despite the big 24 year age gap between me and my eldest brother. 

But, what sucks the most is that you'll never be able to hold your grandkids - if I have any. Or walk me down the aisle, which is the one thing that sucks the most. It just sucks now. Everything just sucks and I just don't know how to handle it anymore. 

I miss you, and I feel like this letter was pointless, but I just don't know how to handle things anymore. 

I love you, 

Marriann xx