Ocean of Lies | Five Hargreeves

Regret

The sound of the chalk hits the wall in a melodious rhythm as the white dust floats and swirls around us. Five steps to another part of the bed when he runs out of space on a section of the wall. As he leans down to continue writing, I notice his foot is getting close to mine.

Without thinking, I stick out my leg to trip him. He stumbles and loses his balance. In a split second, he falls forward and lands on top of me, his body pressing mine into the mattress. I feel his warm breath on my neck and his weight on my chest, as the smell of mint and sandalwood fills my senses. It's almost intoxicating. He holds himself up and looks down at me, his eyes wide as his gaze burns into mine. My heartbeat quickens. The silence is deafening, and yet it's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. I want to push him away, to scream at him and tell him how much I hate him. But then I notice the way his eyes flicker with ambivalence, and I can't help but feel a twinge of something else entirely. Maybe it's the adrenaline from the fall. Yeah, that's what it is.

Five clears his throat. "Uh... s- sorry," he says, his voice low and gravelly. He shifts his weight, and an unwanted shiver runs down my spine. He quickly– not to mention awkwardly– gets off of me.

"I um... Sorry I tripped you. I thought you'd, uh, catch yourself," I say, my voice hoarse.

He swallows, avoiding eye contact. As a way to negate the awkwardness, I sit up and give my full attention to some of his equations written on the wall.

Ψ(x_1, x_2) = -Ψ(x_2, x_1)
λ = h/p Rμ𝜐-(½ × Rgμ𝜐) Rμ𝜐
metric(1) d s 2 = − N 2 d t 2 + a 2 ( t ) d Ω 3 2 , where(2) d Ω 3 2 = γ i j d x i d x
to the energy eigenvalue zero
p=−ρ
χ=Nα+Nμ23kT

"What are these for?"

His gaze switches toward the wall. "To figure out the probability of whose death could save the world."

"So you could stop the apocalypse?"

"Precisely."

"I don't understand. You do know that you can't beat death, right? Why not just accept our fate?"

"I can't give up now. Not after I spent so much time working to stop this thing," he says, his eyes flashing with intensity.

"What will you do if it doesn't work?" I press.

"I will try again."

"And if that doesn't work?"

"I will try again," he repeats firmly.

I scoff at his stubbornness. "You're incredibly persistent."

"What's your point here? I have to be. I've seen what happens if we don't try."

Quiet for a moment, I take in his words before recalling a quote by Homer. "Have you heard of the quote, 'The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal. Because any moment may be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again. We will never have these moments again.'"

He lets out a sigh. "I'm not defying mortality, Cecilia. I'm just trying to alter the outcome."

"You are actively cheating death," I insist.

"Fine. You wanna know the real reason I'm doing this?" His voice falters and he looks down at his hands. "When I was seven years old, I jumped too far and I landed in the apocalypse. I saw the aftermath, and I was alone for seven years. Seven years. Without anyone to talk to. Barely any food or water. I was stripped of that 'beauty' and 'loveliness.' All I had was me, myself, and I. But you know what kept me going? What fueled my survival?"

I shake my head.

"The hope that I could fix it, that I could go back in time and prevent all of the bullshit from happening. And guess what? Nine years later, here I am. So you don't have the right to say anything."