unidentified | billie eilish fanfiction

THIRTY - THREE: scared

violet

do i regret this? no. wait! yes. no. maybe. god i'm a bad person. i said that i won't put her in danger and her being with me, not only does it put her in so much more danger but i also hurt her. i know that. and if i didn't make her mine i would've lost her, for good, she makes everything worth it.

so maybe i'm selfish, but i care. caring is not an excuse for being selfish, they are only two separate facts about me. i don't like mixing up emotions. i believe every emotion results to an action, not a mix of emotions that result in one action. i'm aware that sounds like a physics rule.

if she ever found out who i really am will she still love me? will she still want to be with me? or will she hate who i really am. will she hate me for lying? will she cut me off her life? will i lose her? forever?

"g'morning." her eyes fluttered open.

"morning love." i kissed her forehead.

"were you watching me sleep?" she let out a tiny giggle.

"is that illegal?"

"no definitely not." she smiled. "but you did look like you were in deep thought, everything good?"

"mhm." i assured her.

"do you want to take a shower with me?"

"is that even a question?"

☆☆☆

i've never in my life been this scared. never. i've experienced fear before of course. it only decreased in appearances as i got older but the only thing i seemed to fear was papa.

father had all the power. i feared him more than i feared anyone or anything. he controlled every part of my life and i let him, cause he was my parent and felt like i had no other options, no hope.

until one day i had enough, i drew myself a hot bath and i remember thinking what if i drowned myself? i wanted to feel my skin on fire meanwhile i felt the air leave my lungs slowly, being replaced by water.

just like always i couldn't get myself to do it. pills were an easy solution to that problem. i'd swallow god knows how many of them and wait for my body to get overwhelmed by the substances in my system, then eventually send me into an episode. this time i didn't back down because i was scared, but because i realized i didn't want to die due to an overdose.

it was far too common in the family line. i don't want to be just another member of the "poor souls that couldn't handle it anymore" so i started entertaining the fact that i would flea the country. it was just a joke between me, myself, and i but soon enough i was serious about it.

now i think i know why i was destined for more time. yes i believe in destiny. it's because i was meant to find her all along, she was supposed to be a part of me. i thank the universe everyday for keeping me alive long enough to find the love of my life.

i never thought i'd love someone this much. she consumes my entire being, my thoughts, my hopes and dreams. i am completely and utterly in awe of her. she deserves everything, she rules me, she is my master, she controls me and my daily life. she is my everything.

i've been planing on practicing on my canvases before starting my own small business. my plan hasn't been going as well as i thought it would. all i'm painting is her, that's all i want to paint and that's all i can paint currently. i've never felt so out of control before, ever.