Hidden Secrets

38- Misunderstanding

"I'm sorry I wasn't here earlier" We're now inside of a car that's taking us back to my hotel, i'm sat directly beside him, my head on his shoulder, being near him makes me feel as if I don't need to be strong anymore, I can finally relax, I can finally breath

"You're here now" He squeezes my hold tighter at my words, the both of our hands rested in my lap

"Did you have a race?" I feel horrible not knowing if he had one or not, I regret asking the second the words left my lips, I should already know, I shouldn't need to ask, he showed up for my tournament he got all the information to specifically know exactly when, and where I was playing and yet I didn't even know if he had a race let alone what country it was in

"Yeah, you didn't see?" my stomach drops at his words, I want to be able to say I did, I know he's looking at me no doubt feeling at least slightly hurt but I don't look at him, staring at my lap ashamed that I was clueless

"How'd you do?"

"I did alright" his voice is quiet

"What'd you place?" now i'm the one looking at him while he watches the buildings pass quickly out of the window

"Second" My eyes widen at the word, he takes his hand out of mine, the pit in my stomach growing even larger at the separation in contact, guilt overwhelming my senses, eating away at my insides, I hate that I wasn't watching, I hate that I didn't know, I feel self absorbed, inconsiderate, selfish, I hate myself for not finding out the second he crossed the line, I hate that I hurt him.

The car slows to a stop, he gets out quickly, leaving the door open for me to follow him, once i've grabbed my tennis bag we walk to the elevators

He's probably coming to my room considering he most likely doesn't have a hotel room here, my mind is racing trying to say something, anything. 

I press the 7th floor for where my room is, as I lean back on the wall of the elevator, the doors close leaving me trapped in the small space with him, neither of us are talking

How can I have just won Wimbledon but feel so disgusted with myself to the extent that I might throw up.

The doors slide open with a ding indicating our arrival to the floor, he's walking behind me and when I make it to my room I scan the key, turning around to hold the door for him to walk in although he's not behind me, I look down the hall confused only to see him disappear into another room, the sound of the door closing echoing through the entire hallway

He got a room here. He found out where I was staying and payed money to be here.

I'm incapable in stopping myself from crying, i'm not entirely sure as to why I'm doing such a thing but I just couldn't take it anymore, my parents would rather throw a party than watch me play Wimbledon, and I messed everything up with the one person that cared enough to show up just because I had to be petty.

Tears fall with a lack of control, collapsing on my bed as I overthink everything, degrading myself until I can't handle being in my own presence, I scratch my thigh until it bleeds, begging to feel anything but the pain in my heart.

can I even confidently say my parents are there for me? If I was dying, what would they do? Do they know that I won? Did they see on television? Did they finally tell someone that i'm their daughter without my presence being reasoning behind the statement? Could they bring themselves to talk about me, to brag about me to their friends?