Hidden Secrets

51- Ease dropping

The second the door fell shut all possibilities of air fell from my grasp

As if on autopilot I rush to the door, pulling it open I see his familiar figure walking away, getting smaller with each step he takes deeper into the hallway

"Charles!" The lack of furniture in the space allows for my voice to carry down to the end telling me that he most definitely heard me

I watch him stop, reassuring me that i've got a chance to try and talk to him so I walk out of the door frame to our room, practically running in hopes that he won't change his mind in deciding to wait

Watching him turn around as I make my way towards him influences a knot that's growing in my throat, "Please don't walk away"

His eyes soften as my words fall from my lips, the desperate tone no doubt evident, there's a small silence before he opens his mouth, "You walked away far before I ever did Helena" he looks almost tired as he says that, like finding yourself on the same roller coaster for the fifth time in a row, the repetitive experience causing it to be boring and readable, "I'll talk to you later, okay?" He places a gentle kiss on my forehead as the elevator door opens, welcoming him in his escape from our conversation

I don't know what to do when the metal doors slide shut, leaving me in the empty space, allowing my head to run wild with no interruptions, you are your worst enemy, I understand that phrase to an exponential degree although what's the limit? Where do I draw the line and fight the devil on my shoulder? The questions seem to grow forgotten, empty at a lack of answers, subconsciously all to aware of the incapability that comes with fighting my own thoughts.

What happens when the world falls silent and no one's there to distract you, but even if there was, you find yourself refusing their refuge, as if you're trying to sleep but you need a noise machine on in order to do so, you know that you need it and yet you refuse to press play to allow the track to flow through the room, to stubborn because you're embarrassed that your friend is here and will soon know too that you are incapable of falling asleep in silence, instead of using the solution i'm well aware of I allow myself to rot in the degrading thoughts, to find the destruction so common that I grow accustomed to it's pain.

I know I can deal with myself without him, i've done it long enough to claim comfort in my struggles, if I had the capability to go through the thoughts my mind forced me to endure for the entirety of my life, why did he have to come into the equation, to show me what it's like to not have to struggle any longer. He's comfort in a sinking boat, he's warmth in the blistering cold, he's the sun when the shadows of the moon grow to be to much, he's the pavement in the rocky landscaping, he's everything you want but what if it feels like the pain of your current situation is safer then being saved. I can get out of the boat alone, i'll find a jacket for the cold, I can endure the shadows of the moon, I can attain shoes for the rocks, I can find my way without him but once i've felt what it's like with him, the last thing I want is to be at a lack of his presence.

I'm dragged out of my thoughts at a knock on my door, reluctantly I force myself to push my racing mind out of my focus, dragging my tired body towards the door I feel almost weak from what just happened, the wooden door feeling much heavier than it should as I pull it open to find an extremely happy Sofiia, a large contrast to the 'resting bitch face' I've become known for having, now most definitely not falling into being an exception

Yes?" I try to act glad to see her here, to reciprocate the excitement lacing her features but I just can't, this day has been physically and mentally painful.