Hidden Secrets

47- Safe

How could I have been so stupid?

How could I possibly think we'd finally get our time together, that I would finally be able to call him home.

I could ask a million questions and still have more to be answered but one I care about specifically is starting to carve into my brain, it's elongated amount of time spent lurking in there causing it to begin becoming permanent, does he even care?

It's painful knowing that the hand around my heart, tightening it's grip with every second I go without him has the possibility of not being related to, how can something hurt so bad and yet I can't even name what it was.

We were friends but I know it was more, even if it's not reciprocated, it was more to me.

I could fill my head with reassurance telling myself that he has to feel the same, that the compliments weren't empty phrases, that the kisses couldn't possibly have been affection-less, the memories weren't artificial, but what good does it do when he didn't even try and talk to me that night. I left the club and cried, I cried the entirety of the walk to the house and even then, I couldn't stop, I hated myself for being so stupid, so blind

You can say that I wasn't, that he simply doesn't know how to express the feelings that we share for one another but that'd require effort.

I wanted him to follow me, to fill my ears with the sweet sound of his voice giving me affirmations to everything, for him to help me when the door shut and the house was empty, no one there to stop me from the shallow breathes that overtook my lungs, the shaking feeling coursing through my arms, tears wetting the material of the dress that he had chosen hours before.

I needed him to pull my hand away from my leg, to stop me from hurting myself in hopes to mask the pain he had caused.

I packed everything in the midst of my panic attack, bringing all my stuff into Sofiia's room so we could leave the next morning, leaving nothing but the smell of my perfume on the sheets of the bed he'd have to sleep in that night but only then did the question start to linger, does he even care?

I knew I wouldn't be getting the answer to that but I could answer another one because I know I care.

"Lena, please can we go do something I can't stand you being sad"

"I'm not sad Sof, just thinking" She jumps onto my bed, laying on her stomach looking up at me as I lean against the backboard

"How is he?"

"Probably fine, he got third so most likely partying with models or something" I shrug looking back at my phone not wanting to watch her scold me

She told me to not pay attention to what he's doing and to focus on my matches but I can't help it, he ended sixth in the dutch gp after crashing in qualifying, I wanted to text him so badly, to tell him he did amazing after managing to overtake over half the grid, then yesterday was the Italian gp, I wish I was there, I got butterflies in my stomach just watching the sparkle in his eyes while talking about improvements in the car, he was so proud of Ferrari it made my heart swell but only momentarily, quickly after realizing the feelings i'd pushed them away, shutting off the live video and immediately busying myself with anything else.

"You have to stop thinking about him Princess, you have a grand slam to win"

"I was watching for Lando, Carlos, and Alex I just happened to see him too"

"Your instagram caption isn't slick lena" well shit, forgot about that

"In my defense, I wrote that drunk"