Hidden Secrets

52- Paper cuts

"When you told pierre you love me"

My heart stops, sliding down to mold with the pit in my stomach, I turn my head to look into his eyes, I watch them scan me, awaiting my answer that I too am looking for, every possibility runs relentlessly through my thoughts as I stare at the man infront of me

"This isn't exactly the place i'd like to talk about this, Charles" the safe answer, one that yes, gives me time to clear my thoughts and try to form a sentence that'll express my feelings correctly but also duals as an invitation to talk myself out of whatever I would've said if not for my own intermission

"Where do you want to talk about this? Tell me a place and i'll take you there" the almost desperation in the tone of his voice echoes through my ears, repeating multiple times to fully understand what he's saying

I let out a sigh knowing how stubborn he can be if he truly wants something, giving up on any idea of postponing what's to come I open my mouth, "Anywhere but here" He nods at my words, standing up and reaching his hand out for me to take

We've soon enough left the club, getting into a car Charles tells the driver an address before we start to move, i've got absolutely no idea where he's planning to take me although that doesn't worry me, i've grown to trust him a lot more than I find myself trusting the majority of the other people i'm close to.

Even my three best friends at times don't have the trust I hold with Charles, Estella is the girl that'll do just about anything for you, if she doesn't have any issue of her own that is, she needs whatever is bothering her fixed before she's able to even think about anyone else, Sofiia is the one that you can do absolutely anything with, shes prepared to force you to be happy no matter what she's got to do or she can create her own emotions to match yours so she can encourage you to do anything, the two girls are amazing and I love them but the second anything is serious, Alesia is the girl that'll listen to your problems for hours, she's the one person in this world other than Charles that I can trust with my life so the mere fact i've known her for ten years and him for less than one, says something about the extent that I trust him.

I'm lost in my thoughts long enough to arrive at our destination, the only hint at the fact being the car slowing to a stop followed by his gentle touch against my arm

"Where are we?" I don't recognize my surroundings making me even more confused by the second

"Lewis' apartment, whenever i'm somewhere he's got a house he tells me he wants me to stay there, complains about the lack of use they get" He shrugs grabbing ahold of my hand to lead me through the lobby, I know the gesture doesn't mean anything but the bolt of electricity that shoots up my arm gives me chills

We get upstairs to find a beautiful modern apartment, the floor to ceiling windows displaying the river and city around us

Before I can scan my surroundings even more he brings me out onto a patio, a day bed on one side with a table on the other, a glass railing wrapping around the space

"Come here" His tone is gentle, almost wary as he advises me to join him where he's now laying, looking up at the sky painted with white specs, the same ones i've spent multiple hours watching with him, telling him everything I know about the freckled bits of light i've grown to adore, excitement finding it's way through me whenever he lets me talk about them as i'm not used to the simple experience, usually a guy doesn't actually care, they only pretend they do and never truly listen, not that I would tell a guy anyway, my thoughts would overthink the entirety of the situation, going through every possible insult he could throw at me or about me for it nevertheless ending in me keeping my mouth shut

I walk over to the day bed, laying down to now look up as well, suddenly painfully aware of the minimal space between us, my body feels like a magnet to his, begging me to give in and feel his touch, to allow his warmth to flow through me, giving the butterflies that practically permanently reside in my stomach whenever he's around, something to do.

"Did you know that that one is called Cetus" his voice is deep as he speaks while simultaneously pointing up to the sky

"I didn't, no, tell me about it" I move closer to him so I can follow where his hand is pointing before he drops it, his hand interlocking with mine

"it's a sea monster that poseidon sent to like, destroy aethiopia, it's the third largest constellation in the sky"

"Since when did you know about stars?" Hee never told me anything about them, always allowing me to talk

"I wanted to be able to talk about them with you"

"You learnt about them for me?" I say the sentence trying to not sound so surprised, his hand squeezes mine tighter only making my mind race to a further extent

"Yeah" I rest my head in his shoulder, his arm wrapping around my body pulling me up against him, we're in a comfortable silence that fills the cool air of the city night, the light breeze giving me an excuse to nuzzle closer to him, "Did you mean it?"

Fuck, what do I do? I know I mean it, i've meant it longer than it even took for my mind to catch up with my heart, the two always on different pages leaving one to be smashed by the rest of the thin pieces of paper. I could never open the book and have them both laid out in-front of me, the words they both desperately want to say always finding a way to never finish their full sentences leaving him and I to never be able to use our minds and our hearts, finding ourselves never capable of compromise or multitasking, either pushing one another away or needing to never leave the others side, but both left the other part screaming in the midst of it, either the heart or the mind pleading for the communication we so desperately need and never found the time to express when they've been pages away, you can only read so many pages at once.

We read the description of what we could have, for a month we had our fictional paradise although what the short blurb failed to tell us is that head and heart didn't find each other again, our picture perfect moments were to good to be true, throwing us into different pages, the abrupt experience neither of us were prepared for leaving paper cuts slicing deep into our skin as we tried to maneuver our way through the pages of the fairly new book, with the less communication we grew to have, the more cuts that littered our bodies, there's only so much pain you can take before the author has to allow the heart to find the mind, to allow communication, allow the agonizing wait to be over and the duo to clean each others scars, the papers edges growing dull.

"I meant it" I love him. And now I can only hope he loves me too, that the moon is enough for the suns contentment

Words: 1293

I am SO sorry for not updating I feel so bad but I'm alive!

I went to a festival so that's why I couldn't write, it was so fun but i'm back now and hopefully i can update daily again <3