Hidden Secrets

48- The sun

(Charles pov)

[am I rly about to give you two chapters basically in a row with his pov??] - athena

I know I should've texted her, I wanted to desperately but the quiet voice in the back of my mind managed to convince me not to

I didn't want to try and text her just for her to get angry, or block me, simply not talking until I can fly to her seemed like the best option, it gives me less possibilities to fuck it all up but now i'm sitting here, my leg moving up and down in anticipation overthinking everything I did, what if she doesn't want to see me? What if she moved on?

I saw her caption, I read the comments, I told myself it isn't about me but I know it is, did she really not trust me?

I suppose there's possibility in the words being true, that she doesn't care because she never trusted me in the first place but that means it wasn't mutual, she never allowed herself to trust me like I had trusted her. I would've trusted her with my life even after just a week of knowing her, I still trust her with my life as if nothings changed and yet we're so different from the people we were then, now the pit in my stomach isn't stress that she won't enjoy whatever secret place I take her to, now it's constant degrading worry that I fell for her and she never allowed herself to fall for me, I fell for the tricks and now i'm the fool.

I know I lied more times than I could count, describing our time together as a fling, meaningless interactions with a girl I never planned to see again but I knew the words that left my mouth were never true, I found comfort in them, knowing that even if everyone else believed them, I didn't have to, I could still fall asleep at night wondering where she is and whether she's okay or not.

I've no doubt hurt her multiple times, something I won't ever be proud of, that i'll go over countless times, tearing myself apart in hopes that my pain will be worse than hers, she doesn't deserve this, she's to good for this world let alone me.

I want her to trust me, to fall for me so I can love her without hiding it but I don't think i'm good enough.

The way she smiles, how she covers her face when she's laughing trying to hide the red tint on her cheeks, the way she looks down at her feet when she receives a compliment, how her eyes light up talking about something she loves, or when she talks with her hands to explain something better, how could I possibly deserve someone like her?

I couldn't. I don't.

But i'll try because looking at her makes everything stop, when I was younger someone told me that only girls get 'butterflies' and that couldn't be more wrong, I believed that statement for as long as I had heard it, it was so understandable for me to agree since i'd never felt them, not until I met her, when I opened the door and found her outside, crossing her arms, her bright eyes staring into mine

I remember the night impossibly clear, I ran it through my memory much more than a reasonable amount of times in hopes to never forget it

I was blasting music, working out in my backyard, the doors to my living room wide open allowing me to hear the loud knocking from my front door

Confused, I got up, to lazy to put a shirt on a shut the music off and walked over, when I opened the door and saw her I had no idea what to do, she was fucking beautiful, she is fucking beautiful

Quickly trying to force myself out of my staring state I blinked multiple times before asking her, "Can I help you?"

"Can you turn your music down, it doesn't need to be that damn loud at midnight" oh my god I remember the feeling I had gotten when I heard her voice for the first time even now, I hear it perfectly.

"Yeah, my apologies miss.." All I wanted was for her to keep talking, I remember thinking about how a voice could be so addictive after hearing it only once

"Helena" I loved her name, I especially loved how easy words seemed to fall of her tongue, her voice was soft and yet still in control, captivating, if you will

"Have a good night Helena" I hadn't slept that night, I turned the music down considerably, constantly wondering if it was to loud, I found myself turning it down every few minutes when a louder part of a song turned on, afraid to annoy her further although slightly hoped she would be forced to come back over here so I could hear her voice again

From then on all I wanted was her, I went back every day, slowly getting closer to her, hearing her voice more and more, learning the little things about her id grow to love, I knew I liked her but then I was far to naive to realize what i'd be getting myself into, how badly i'd fall for the girl, hoping that whatever I could give her was enough, but it never would be, she deserves more than anyone could possibly attain, including me,

I want to give her the world and all I have is the sun.

The world gives assurance of life, that you can sustain yourselves in a relationship together, you have stability.

The sun gives purely hope, like burning passion running blindly trying to attain a relationship, circling on its axis but never finding itself capable of inching closer to the world, i'm standing in the bright rays hoping for her to find her way to me but what if she never finds me, what if she gets taken from me, distracted by the perfection the world has to offer.

I've stood in the light, never finding comfort in the shadows, I was just in a relationship, I got the hate that made me worry that if I ever were with her it would destroy her, the last thing I want is for her to have more stress because of me, if she's safer with the shadows in the moon maybe she wasn't meant to find the sun. Although what's the possibility that when the time is just right, and the opportunity of an eclipse arises, maybe I can give her the sun in addition to the moon she's found comfort in, maybe we can find the world together.

Words: 1133

Sorry for the late update again

ITS RACE DAYYYY i'm genuinely terrified for Charles he's already spun out twice and the race hasn't even started

My family is going golfing and I told them no because I need to watch the race cause it takes priority 🤭

i'm so jealous rn of everyone there especially my family friend cause she's there rn with paddock passes for Mercedes and even if it's not Ferrari I still want to cry because she just posted on her story in the paddock club above Ferrari garage :/