"I need space." Those were the words Jacky said to Ryan the night before they both left for separate colleges. Now, each of them will try to learn who they are without the other. Will their paths lead them back together?
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Braedyn was thankfully quiet during the walk back to the dorms.
Jacky expected him to ask questions about Cam, about whether that had been a date, or why Jacky had freaked out and run off. Instead they walked, elbows bumping, in the quickening twilight, crickets singing and the far-off sounds of other students meeting up or playing music filling the silence.
In his head he made a list of things he wanted to ask Braedyn, the first and most important being, Are you gay, too? But Braedyn could be bi, or maybe he didn't know yet, and it wasn't Jacky's place to demand that Braedyn know. All Jacky knew was as much as he tried not to be attracted to his friend, because he did not want to fall for a straight guy, something stirred inside him when they were alone together.
Like now.
He imagined a straight guy wouldn't want to bump elbows with a platonic pal. Nor would he ever imagine a straight guy opening the door for him and waiting for him to go through. The dorms were strangely quiet, doors closed. They headed up the stairs, but before they separated to go to their separate rooms, Braedyn said, "Wanna hang out in my room for a bit?"
Jacky didn't need to consider how to answer that. "Okay," he said.
The room without Brandon and half the guys on their floor felt quiet and strange. Braedyn opened the minifridge and pulled out a can of Coke, held it out to Jacky. Jacky took it, and Braedyn pulled out another for himself.
"Wanna play something?" Braedyn fired up the Playstation and picked up a controller. Jacky paused, realizing he'd have to go back to his room to get his controller, and then he might run into Billy. Until now he hadn't really played video games at school. He'd hung out in Braedyn's room while all the other guys played video games, but only a couple of them could play at the same time, which left plenty of others not playing.
"You got Netflix on that thing?" Jacky asked, sitting down on the futon.
"Sure do."
Braedyn sat down beside Jacky and started scrolling through the menu. Jacky tried to make sure his breathing stayed normal even as his heart sped up. Braedyn had the whole futon but chose to sit within hand-holding distance.
"Have you seen this one?" Braedyn asked.
The movie was called "Infinite Domination" and looked like an action movie. At least, it had action hero actors in it, looking angry and dramatic and holding guns.
"No." Jacky tried to figure out if the title was a sign. Was Braedyn into S&M? "Not yet."
"Cool. I love The Rock." Braedyn hit play and sat back.
His mind was working overtime. Did Braedyn enjoy Dwayne Johnson as an actor, or did he like like him? Jacky was no Dwayne Johnson, so even if Braedyn was saying he was gay for The Rock, that meant Jacky wasn't Braedyn's type. And did that mean Braedyn had been eavesdropping and wanted to let Jacky know what his type was?
Jacky was barely paying attention to the movie when Braedyn suddenly shifted in his seat, slumping down and curling his legs up to sit up on the milk crate coffee table that had appeared in a room last week. As Braedyn pulled down a blanket from the back of the couch, Jacky leaned away.
"Sorry," Braedyn said, and held out a corner of the blanket. "Are you cold? We can share."
"I'm good." Jacky was feeling rather hot, actually.
Braedyn yawned. "I don't know why I'm so tired. Oh – I didn't take a nap today, that's why." He yawned again and nuzzled his face into a pillow.
Looking back toward the movie screen, Jacky wondered if Braedyn was hinting that he wanted Jacky to curl up with him. Ryan had sometimes done that. Just laid out on the couch and then tugged at Jacky's shirt until he lay down too.
In the dark of the room with only the light of the TV, Jacky closed his eyes and inhaled, imagining the scent of Ryan's cologne. Remembered feelings ached on his skin, that warm safe circle of Ryan's arms around him, the comfort of Ryan's chest rising and falling against his back.
A rush of sorrow filled him for all he had willingly given up. Jacky blinked, grateful for the dark of the room and the slow and steady purr of Braedyn snoring beside him.
He'd had to break up with Ryan. That happiness wouldn't have lasted forever. Better to end on a high note.
A high note. Jacky closed his eyes against the memory of Ryan's face after he'd said he needed space. The brief moment of intense hurt before a mask slid down, the mask one Ryan used to wear to get through his days while his mother was at home dying.
Jacky had ruined everything.
He swallowed against the tightness in his throat. He had somehow convinced Ryan to trust him, then took that trust and threw it away.
He didn't deserve Ryan. He probably didn't deserve Braedyn, either. He was just looking for that comfortable thing he used to have.
As quietly as he could, he eased off the couch and headed back to his room, where thankfully Billy had gone out for the night. Jacky turned off the lights and crawled into bed, pulled the covers up so he could disappear from the world for a while.
