"I need space." Those were the words Jacky said to Ryan the night before they both left for separate colleges. Now, each of them will try to learn who they are without the other. Will their paths lead them back together?
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Jacky
It was the usual thing they did almost every night: hang out in Braedyn's room with a bunch of other people from down the hall, taking turns playing videos games and drinking. Only this time, Jacky had a goal, and the first step toward that goal was to get good and truly wasted, and hope Braedyn would somehow match him.
"You're ready for another one already?" Braedyn held his Corona up to the light to see that it was still half full. He took another swig, winced.
Jacky popped the top off a new bottle. "You're slow tonight." He handed Braedyn the bottle. "Come on, catch up!" As he opened one for himself, he tried not to think about how what he was doing was technically gaslighting.
Jacky slammed down his next beer, and assessed himself by standing again. Definitely tipsy. That was a good sign.
"I have class tomorrow," Braedyn said with a slight whine that made Jacky smirk.
He sat back down and turned to face his friend. He could do this. He could kiss Braedyn.
Braedyn and Ryan weren't so different. They were both so friendly, almost too friendly. Willing to do anything to help a friend. Braedyn was blondish, and pretty muscular, even if he wasn't anywhere close to Ryan's football-player physique. But that was probably better, anyway. Jacky and Braedyn were more equal.
Braedyn glanced at Jacky, smiled. "What's up?"
Nope. He wasn't drunk enough yet.
He leaned back and nudged open the fridge, took another beer.
"Okay, did something happen while you were home for the weekend?" Braedyn asked.
"Not really." Jacky tossed back half of his new beer. That was the real problem, anyway, that Ryan hadn't been home. Wiping his mouth, Jacky added, "I mean, my best friend is living out of his car and I have no way to help him, but that's about it."
Braedyn scooted closer. "Seriously? That sucks. Did his parents kick him out?"
"Yeah, that's not..." Jacky struggled to both process Braedyn's arm touching his leg and form a coherent thought about Cody's situation. "Cody just didn't want to live at home with his jerk of a stepfather, that's all. That's not totally unusual. But usually he just lives in the family camper in the backyard."
"Wow." Braedyn sat back. "I can't imagine my parents kicking me out. Or even anything we'd disagree on so much that I'd want to leave like that."
Jacky couldn't imagine what kind of privileged world Braedyn lived in, but it did give him the perfect segue. "What if you came out as gay? Your parents would be cool with that?"
"Yeah, I think they'd be okay with it," Braedyn said with a furrowed brow. "They were fine when my sister came out as bi."
Abort! shouted the logical part of Jacky's brain. He's cool with you being gay because he's been around other gay people!
"Oh, that's cool," Jacky said noncommittally. He leaned back against the wall and pulled out his phone. He had a ton of Instagram notifications that he hadn't bothered to look at, and he needed some scroll time to distract himself from the strange signals his body was sending him. Like, why was he hesitating?
The first post that showed up had a lot of familiar faces. It was the photos Monica took at her party. She had tagged him and Cody in that one awful photo. Jacky hit the like button and scrolled.
He knew he shouldn't. He knew he was only scrolling because of the photo Ryan had been tagged in a few days ago. And yet he couldn't stop himself for looking for more. After a few minutes, however, he gave up.
Clearly, Ryan had already rebounded. Jacky shoved his phone in his pocket, ready to head back to his room to have an intense brooding session. He could think about how he'd never find anyone as hot as Ryan, anyone who accepted him without question. Ryan would have dated him forever, probably married him one day, if Jacky hadn't been a stupid fucking idiot and broken up with him. And now Ryan had moved on, choosing someone who looked similar, all because Jacky had shoved him away.
"Hey, Jacky?" Braedyn said.
"Yeah?"
"Wanna go hang in your room? Maybe watch a movie? I'm bored of this."
Jacky glanced at the TV, where a game of Street Fighter was still ongoing. "Okay, sure."
Staggering a little, they made their way out of the room and headed across the hall. Jacky eased the door to his room open, hoping Billy was off somewhere else. The lights were off, and Billy's bed was empty. Jacky exhaled, and let Braedyn inside. He paused for a moment, wondering if he should lock the door, but didn't want to seem weird. They were just going to watch a movie, because Jacky had chosen the straightest of straight boys to try to move on from Ryan with.
He sighed again, and turned, and that was when Braedyn's mouth crashed into his.
"Mmmph," he said in surprise through Braedyn's lips. The shock of the kiss wore off quickly, however. He relaxed into it, and the moment he did, Braedyn stuck his tongue in Jacky's mouth.
Braedyn was sloppier than Ryan, or maybe that was the alcohol. Their teeth clacked together, making Jacky wince, and he found himself analyzing everything. He's a little shorter than Ryan, Jacky thought. More aggressive, which I don't hate. At that moment, Braedyn reached for the waistband of Jacky's jeans, proving the point. I guess this answers my question about whether or not he's gay.
Then Braedyn's mouth trailed down Jacky's neck and disappeared, and cold air rushed in around Jacky's waist.
Is this really happening? Jacky thought, looking down at Braedyn kneeling in front of him. Even when Braedyn took the length of him into his mouth, and Jacky closed his eyes, he found himself still analyzing everything. Am I really this sober right now? Okay, that feels good but... this is weird. Isn't this weird? Maybe it isn't weird. Maybe Braedyn has been feeling this same sexual tension the whole semester as I have. But why wouldn't he ever come out and say he was gay too? I swear I made it obvious that I liked him. Or did I? Do I even like this? Was I crushing on Braedyn because I assumed he was straight and that made him safe?
The blow job went on for a while, and eventually the thoughts ebbed and the blindness of pleasure rushed in. He came with a gasp, then dropped his head back against the door and tried to compose himself.
"So what movie do you want to watch?" Braedyn asked.
Jacky opened his eyes to see Braedyn picking up the TV remote like nothing had happened. Hurriedly he tugged his pants back up. "Wait, um..."
The TV flickered to life, along with the Netflix menu and an obnoxiously loud trailer for another Fast & Furious movie. "Oh, I've been wanting to see this," Braedyn said. He hopped up on Jacky's bed, eyes still glued to the screen.
Jacky glanced at the TV. Some emotion was brewing in his chest, and he wasn't quite sure what it was. It felt tight, like anger, but it could be that anger was the only emotion he ever allowed himself to feel. And why would he feel angry? Everything was working out great.
"We can watch something else, if you want," Braedyn offered.
"No, this is good." Jacky climbed up onto the bed, but Braedyn was sitting on the left, so even though their legs were touching, Jacky could feel how Braedyn leaned away, making sure their shoulders didn't touch.
