"I need space." Those were the words Jacky said to Ryan the night before they both left for separate colleges. Now, each of them will try to learn who they are without the other. Will their paths lead them back together?
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Ryan
The library was a three-story building with more books than Ryan had ever seen in one place. He'd only used the library's catalog from home and picked up books at the desk rather than wander around and try to find them on his own, and used the study carrels on the second floor when he had an hour or two between classes and didn't want to go all the way back to the apartment. He'd never come here at night – it was just easier to study at home.
The library was strangely full of students at this hour, each with open textbooks and laptops and thick headphones. One of his study groups met in the campus center, near the coffee shop. The other study group was just the roommates and friends who needed a quieter space than the apartment, and met at the Somerville Public Library.
He wandered a bit, looking for Marina and Paul. There was so much space, so many students. The feeling of being alone threatened to overwhelm him.
"Ryan?"
Turning, he was face to face with Paul. "Oh! Hey. I was looking for you guys."
"Marina isn't here yet," Paul said, adjusting his wire-rim glasses.
"Okay, let's just grab a table then while we wait." Ryan led the way to a free table with four chairs. Paul walked around to the opposite side before sitting.
As Ryan took out a notebook and pen and his laptop, he noticed that Paul just sat there, staring across the library. His gaze was so fixed that Ryan tried to sneak a peek at what Paul was looking at. It seemed to just be a random corner of the library. There was a window, but outside was dark already. Ryan cleared his throat and made a stab at conversation.
"Are you nervous about midterms?" he asked.
"No." Paul didn't change his gaze.
Ryan didn't want to assume that Paul didn't want to talk to him. He'd only exchanged a few pleasantries with Paul, although Marina seemed to have a lot to say to him. Knowing Marina, though, it was a completely one-sided conversation.
"I'm a little nervous," Ryan said. "I haven't heard that Professor Chambers is tough or anything, but only one of my other classes even has a midterm. I don't want to blow my first semester at college and lose my scholarship." Ryan chuckled awkwardly and cringed inside at himself.
Paul still didn't make eye contact. "I'm not worried."
"I wish I had your confidence," Ryan said after a beat. And then he couldn't think of anything further to say. He didn't need Paul thinking less of him. Instead, he pulled out his phone. "I should text Marina and let her know where we are."
He was hoping Marina had texted to say she wouldn't be coming and they could leave this situation, but no luck. There was a text message waiting for Ryan, though, and it was a struggle not to let his reaction show outwardly.
Jacky had written back.
I'm glad I didn't fuck things up completely then
Ryan opened his phone, even though he knew the full text had been in his lockscreen notification. Already his mind was drafting responses.
No, you just fucked things up a little... (too bitter)
Do you miss me as much as I miss you? (too sappy)
So do you want to get back together and when? (too desperate)
I really missed talking to you (too heartfelt)
Then the three thinking bubbles began dancing in Jacky's text box, and Ryan froze, waiting for what Jacky was going to say next.
When Ryan's phone dinged, he jumped in his seat. But there was no new text from Jacky.
"You should turn your phone to silent in the library," said Paul with a frown.
Ryan did, and then he saw the text from Marina. I'm on my way! 5 minutes!
"Marina's coming," Ryan reported.
"Good. I suppose we can get things ready so we can start right when she gets here." Paul pulled out a thick stack of flashcards.
"You made flashcards?" Ryan asked. "I thought you weren't worried."
Paul glanced up at him, then snapped off the elastic from the flashcards. "I'm not worried because I made flashcards. I make a new set after each lecture and I've been studying them all semester."
"Wow. How do you find time to do that? I can barely get through all the reading especially with my other classes."
"I make the time."
Ryan's phone buzzed in his hand, and as much as he wanted to see if it was Jacky texting him back, something in him refused to back down from what Paul just said. The implication that Ryan wasn't trying hard enough was ridiculous. Ryan barely had any time to have the fun, party-filled college experience everyone else seemed to be having. Most of the time when his roommates were partying, Ryan chose to study instead.
But Ryan couldn't think of a good comeback. He ducked his head, angry at himself, and looked at his phone.
How's your college experience going? Jacky had written. I bet you have all the hard classes
It's great except for the entitled assholes, Ryan wrote back immediately. It felt good to let out that little bit of steam. He knew nothing about Paul and whether or not he was entitled. Maybe Paul had earned a scholarship too. Still, Ryan felt like Paul was assuming things about Ryan because he looked like a stereotypical jock.
"Hi hi, sorry I'm late!" Marina wheezed, running up and dumping her bag on the table. Paul reared back, holding his precious flashcards to his chest. "My roommate was being a total b—" She paused, glancing at Paul. "Totally unreasonable."
"You're not that late," Ryan said.
At the same time, Paul said, "We are in a library." He glared around like Marina should have noticed.
"Oops, sorry," Marina said in a stage whisper.
She sat down, but before they could get set up to study, the desk vibrated. Ryan jumped and snatched up his phone. "Sorry," he said. He peeked at the text notification: Whoa, there are assholes at your college too?? Tell me more!
"Shall we get started?" Paul said, his voice sharp.
The smile that Jacky's text had bloomed on Ryan's face turned tight. "Yeah, sure." Reluctantly he put his phone on silent, and in his pocket.
