Confidante

The Escapade

There are so many "yellow lights" moments in a relationship. It represents the point in time when you're forced to go all in or stop everything completely.- Harry Hudson,2018
P

lease play Yellow Lights by Harry Hudson

ENGFA'S POV

Glancing from the photo I took, you are capturing the moon. One of the best nights that I had with you. We're just being us like the old times.

P'Sun: Have you messaged her? I crossed my brows ''should i?" but before I responded he butted in "Don't say anything brother, you should send a message if you want to. Your eyes can't lie." 

I just shook my head in surrender. Then I tried to send it with his assistance, because I made a playlist of our songs. After I hit send it seems like my mind is like a computer that has run through what I've thought before I reached this moment, especially the transition moment of my life that I never fathomed that I'll be able to overcome this without the people who were really there for me...

Flashback

Everything was fast paced. There are upcoming projects, the meetings, the rehearsal for the concerts, the preparation, the unending endorsements. I wasn't complaining but as a human I feel like I am nearly at the ending point of my energy. It's draining me. Unending responsibilities and the pressure, to the point ...it haunts me. Every interview, every move there's an issue. I was anxious on how I move and act in public but these attacks kept on crawling like a nightmare. I tried to fight it, I know I am stronger than these and yet, I am still human. I can't dodge the pain...

To distract myself, I drowned myself to be devoted to work. Keeping myself booked and being able not to have interviews just to attack me and dictating who I should be. To the point that I wasn't able to eat. I don't have an appetite. I made myself distant from every person so that they won't be affected by the issues that I was having...but I failed. They tried everything to cut the strings that I was holding onto...until the fucking last string. That was it, I called someone who could help me get away with this pain that I'm having. But this escapade? I had fun, over the day...as the day ends I'm searching for that peace being out of the country won't solve what I was feeling inside...I longed for home...As we were having fun, I saw men in suits before we reached the port. The yacht docked at the port then my sister and my ex manager who helped me over this trip. I was thankful for her. She gave me what I wanted to have a break from what I was having minutes later.. I heard a raising of voices from them...her friends went closer to tame her but I held my hand to Sun...I see black.

~~~~~

I woke up and I was in the hospital...

After I had the call with the boss. My sister and Sun packed our things as we were told that we are booked to go home after I receive a permit to travel to the doctor. I stayed away from social media cause I know what chaos that I'll be going to witness. Being an influencer I became disciplined and aware of the nature of these people, knowing when to deal and not to deal but there are times we can't help to be affected, I am a human too...

I heard the saying that when the world is quiet that's when thoughts are loud. I believe in that, silence filled the hospital room. Music. It's been my antidote when I feel the thoughts are getting loud, listening to music tone them down. As I was scrolling for music, my recent searches were the songs we might sing in the concert...there are tracks that we both listened,

"P'faaaa...what's the title of this song?"

"I like that song Phi...catchy. Will you send that link to me? " We may have a little age difference but our music tastes match. You're such an old soul too...It's cute...

"P' Faaa, what if you'll make me a playlist of the songs that we're listening to? It's easy here.. When you're bored if ever... since you're a busy person but IF ONLY IF.. you can make it for me, to make you kill the time..."

Bingo, this will make me while waiting for Sun and my sister...There were no loud thoughts, I was enjoying this suggestion from you...the one who believed in me and yet...it hit me.

HOW DID I END UP HERE? There were people who made me escape from the world I was thriving in, but how about the people who believed in me?

"Fa, the crown chose you...and we know you're ready to carry it with you. We are always here with you...the organization will always be here for you. We are family here." They were there amidst of the issues trolls made to destroy my name, with my past experiences it made me realize that there are snakes around when you are trying to soar higher that will push you back but this time it's different...I really have a big family who really got my back, I was just so used from being used by traitors but this time it's different... They showed me love even at my worst times. Yet, I left them. I feel congested. I can't hold back the tears...I put my phone down, curled myself and I felt vulnerable.

Tears won't stop from falling, my sobs filled the room.

As I let it out, the chains inside my heart...were loosened.

Crying is not a sign for weakness but it made my heart feel lighter..

I made a mistake,

I was blinded by the pleasure of the world.

I let myself drown with pressure, 'til darkness consumed me.

I ran away to the people who believed in me, who rooted for me.

I miss home, I miss my mom...I left my home as I look for happiness but a home wouldn't be a home without happiness... I want to go back...

I cried till I put myself to sleep...