Confidante

The paradox

~~Love is brave, but I've been scared //I look around, see no one there //And still feel close to you~~

Ever since I went back I became more anxious to deal with more people because I know I let them down and I can't face them for what I did. I worked so hard by being on time and taking the medications the doctor prescribed to me.

Some of the side effects were observed and noticed by the people who've been around me since...with that I choose to maintain some distance so that the people around me would not be affected by the issues that we're thrown at me.

Even though I became quite distant, in my darkness there's this certain candlelight that kept on burning. Being back at work there are times I don't have an appetite to eat meals and tend to depend on some drinks that allow me to survive over the day...

P'Sun: Oi, Fa ... Nong Char bought us lunch look, it's your favorite...Please eat something na~ I raised my hand "Ok, shut up now I'll eat..."

Being shy, I just nod and say the word of thanks for the treat but I heard a chair was lifted and you sat beside me, and looked intently at my face. "Can I sit with P'fa like the old times then??" You bend just to see my facial reaction then there I witness those eyes and smile from you...Unknowingly I smiled back. You called P'Van on the door to give you an appreciation for making me smile. "Now, P'Sun we can now eat cause we've seen her with her smile already."

I have never heard anything from you since I arrived. There are some sent flowers and gifts of encouragement but I know you'll show it how I just wanted, by being there...here at my side...in silence and in loud...

I was scared maybe you're one of the many who turned back on me

Yet here you are, always here at my side.

No words needed, you knew what I needed.

You're a keeper and I was happy that our stars aligned for us to meet.

As we were having our photoshoot, I was checking the results . I was too serious to check it out and you handed me an opened bottle of water but I was wondering why I can't reach it...So I assume you wont give me. Then, I heard you speak with P'Van...

"You know what's the best part when you're working?"

"What"

"It's nice to have a partner that would make you smile like you're in love."

"That's what I see in those eyes. In that photo, Nong Lot...How-" As she turned to me I was unconsciously smiling when I heard that pick up line. P'Van didn't finish her question. She only gave a thumbs up to you. I'm about to ask what happened but you just pat P'Sun shoulders who just popped beside me and said 

"What a beautiful day to smile, P'Sun...Keep smiling"

As I have my ongoing therapy sessions to fix what I made, I created this mess.. . I must fix this and the boss also said if I want to thrive I must act tough and know how to play in their game. It all makes sense to me now... but there are times I can't stop from being vulnerable.

As I was going home from the rehearsals, it's 1am. I'm about to take a nap but I got a call from someone...

"hey, I can't go out in public to meet you."

"Oh, yeah I'm sorry everything went fast when the boss found out."

"It was my fault for dragging you into this mess-"

"Hey, I called you. I needed it and thank you for that."

"God, I miss you...I want us to be like the old times...you know?"

Being not noticed by the people around me? Being not followed by the crowd from where I go? Old times by living simple... "yes, I wish.."

"I'll do my best to see you again, okay? Cheer up, Bub."

"I..miss our talks, yeah...I will. Thank you and Goodnight."

Well, that's what I want...some who can talk to me after a long day of work. There are times that the world itself doesn't give everything we want cause it allows us to have priorities and it's always about the timing...right timing....

~~~~~

A night before the concert, After I've checked all the set list, the scripts and we did some run throughs...I was just sitting facing the stage. Everyone went home, I just want everything to be perfect on the day. I may not be vocal with my feelings cause I tend to be sentimental and emotional, when the image I've built is that I'm strong and tough that made me an inspiration to many, the ones who never left and stayed with me even at my worst. Who still loves me after they saw my flaws, who heard some rumors that were never true... Through this concert, I'll be able to show how grateful I am and how passionate I am in this concert in which this is one of my dreams... And for the people who believed and stayed with me. Afterall, the Engfa Waraha now wouldn't be this without them who rooted for me and supported me all the way. For the special part in my concert, as I imagined and checked the costumes to be worn in that part, an Idea came to my mind. The boss was sitting beside me with his phone...

"Uhm,boss?"

"Speak, Child.. I'm listening you..."

"I have this idea for the special part, well. you know the people will attend and the people will be invited on the stage are so special to me right?"

He closed his phone and looked at me...now, I have his attention. Then I began to clear my throat as I resumed what I'm saying...

"Well, as a sort of saying thanks I want to end it with something special. maybe like a fairytale kind of ending?" There was silence, he was looking at the stage...I was thinking of saying it back but he began to speak...

"Well, We still have a day to prepare everything for the stage. You have to be here tomorrow to talk with the team. I'll talk to the production team to help you conceptualize. You deserve everything, Fa. It's your day after all.."

I just bowed to him in the form of saying thanks.... I hope this way, I'll be able to repay the mistakes that I made...Through this a new chapter of my life begins,

Concert day...

Everyone was emotional since I was able to gather all my emotions to thank all the people especially to the person who raised me so well, My mother. I took this opportunity to say everything I cannot say cause I know I would break if I just say it personally, the cheers from the fans boosts my strength and confidence that's why I was able to carry it as it when the boss' turn too...We became emotional...well, the challenges I had alone before we're now lead by him. He really helped me to clear all the dirt that was thrown to me. And now, this special guest of mine was one of them too...her...

I may did something really good in the past to deserve these people who really stayed and accepts me for who I am, this may be also the stars lead me to these people cause my dad knows who and what I really need my unsaid desires was heard...The lights were out...there's the special guest the spotlight was on her, she really looked an angel...then she began to speak like in the scripts...

C:This person is almost everything: my teacher, my big sister, who's been pushing me, helping me overcome any obstacles. Just a few months but we bonded and loved each other. I could say...more than a sister. Importantly, more than a sister and also more than love.

I took a deep breath As I sang the song with her with the element of surprise towards the end of the song that made everyone felt magical. Well, I admit I was carried away too. That's why I did something to make it more real to show that I was so genuine with what I feel. I'm just thankful for everything. As the lights turned out in a blink, I wasn't able to hear what she whispered because of the screams but I am aware she got my message.