Hold My Hand - A Civil War Love Story

Part 15: Losing Control

Author's Note: Hello! I would just like to let everyone know that this story is aproaching the end now! There will most likely be less than five chapters left until it's finished!

*One Month Later*

My beautiful Cathleen,

Oh how happy I am to hear from you darling! I read this letter every morning and every night and pray that I will be able to see your beautiful face again. I was very surprised to hear that you are in Philadelphia and have a place to live and a job. If you would like to meet my folks, you can sure try to find them! William and Samantha Reynolds would love you immediately! Send them my love if you get the chance. Hopefully you get this letter, and maybe you can send one back. I promise the minute I am free from the army, I will come find you. Until then, keep me in your thoughts as I do with you.

Love Always,

William Reynolds

I clutch the letter to my chest and think about William. I imagine where he was or what was happening when he wrote this note. I wonder how long ago he wrote this, and if he is even still alive to receive another letter from me...

My eyelids shoot open and I try to shake that thought away. Don’t go there Cathleen. Worrying doesn’t help anything. To say that my time spent at the Steel household was perfect would be a complete lie. At least as a nurse I could keep my tabs on William and not keep myself up every night wondering about him. Every time news of a battle was released I would get so panicked and worried that I would have to go to my room for the rest of the day. At one point Mr. Steel called a doctor to try to "heal" me. As I expected there wasn’t such a remedy. The doctor said I have anxiety from the war and the fact that a loved one is fighting in it doesn’t help. Until the war is over, I will just have to stick it out.

The thing is, I don’t know if I can stick it out. As each day passes, my stomach aches get more and more frequent and my hands more and more shaky. My appetite gets smaller and smaller to the point where I’m lucky if I eat two meals a day. Not to mention the fact that I end up crying uncontrollably into the late hours of the night. He’s dead. He’s gone for good. You’ll never get to be with him. Those phrases being played in a continuous loop inside my head is too much too handle. I’m worried sick over William.

The grandfather clock rings noon, so I smooth out the crinkles in the letter and lay it on my desk. It’s Sunday, the staff’s day off, so Emily and I always take our mid day walk together. As I suspected, Emily is downstairs in the living room waiting for me.

"About time you showed up." She jokes and gives me a hug.

"I would’ve came down sooner but I was a little busy." I apologize as we head towards the foyer of the house. I open the front door and step outside to the cool, late summer, early fall air. It’s my favorite time of year, not too hot but not yet cold.

"Oh yeah?" She raises an eyebrow and shuts the door behind us. "With what?"

"I got a letter from William today." I tell her with a childish grin.

"Really? That’s great Cathleen. What did it say?" She gives my arm a squeeze out of excitement.

We turn right out of the driveway onto the main road. It’s so peaceful and I haven’t seen or heard anybody pass all day. That being said I decide to wander towards the middle of the road instead of the side. "He just said that he was happy to hear from me and can’t wait to see me after the war."

Emily sighs. "Cathleen get out of the middle of the street. You are going to get run over by a horse and carriage knowing you and your luck."

I laugh and roll my eyes. "I’ll be able to get out of the way in time Emily."

"You always find a way to make me nervous Missy." She shakes her head and laughs. "If you aren’t carelessly chopping vegetables with a sharp knife you’re wondering in the middle of the street."

"Emily I won’t let you ruin my good mood." I say in a sing songy voice. "I get to see William in about a month and that’s all that matters."

"Now Cathleen you know how I feel about that kind of talk." She says sternly. I don’t say anything because she already knows that I understand what she’s talking about. Emily lost her husband early in the war. Nearly all of her friends and co workers lost their husband or boyfriend too. "I just don’t want you to get your hopes up-"

"I’m not getting my hopes up." I argue back, now stopped in the street. "Heck, he could be lying on a battlefield dead right now. I get that." As soon as I say that my stomach flips.

"What’s wrong Cathleen?" She asks, noticing the pain on my face.

"Nothing," I shake my head and continue walking again. "I’ll be fine.

"Are you having stomach problems?" Emily walks up and puts a comforting arm around me.

"Just a little. I’m sorry Emily but I think I need to go lay down." I tell her apologetically.

"That’s alright Cathleen. Let’s just get you into bed." We turn around and walk towards the house. It was a lot arduous and longer than I thought, probably because I feel like I might vomit.

"Emily, something’s wrong." I tell her. "I can feel it."

She leads me up stairs to my room. "Just put on a night gown and rest. I’ll bring you up some water and crackers in a little bit." I nod my head and change into a white night gown. Emily helps me get into bed and covers me up. "You are shaking Cathleen!"

I shake my head. "I don’t know why Mr. Steel keeps me around. All I do is cause trouble."

"Nonsense Cathleen. You are a great addition to the staff." She assures me. "Just rest for a bit." She leaves my room and quietly closes the door. I stare at the cream colored ceiling for a bit but eventually decide to try to get some rest. All of this worrying isn’t good for me. William is fine, I tell myself. Everything is going to be okay...

When I wake up I am unaware of my surroundings. What time is it? I wonder as I climb out of bed and walk towards my window. Based on the sun’s position it must be at least two in the afternoon. I slip on the dress I had earlier and head downstairs to find Emily. As I suspected, her and the rest of the staff are in the living room. They are doing the usual; some are reading, others are talking, and a few of the guys are playing some card game.

"How are you feeling Cathleen?" Jane asks once she sees me standing in the doorway.

"Better, thank you." The doorbell to the front door rings. "I’ll get it." I head to the front of the house and open the door. A young boy, about my age is standing in the doorway wearing a war uniform. Not a soldiers uniform, but a messenger’s. "Can I help you?" I ask.

"Does a Cathleen Grace reside here?" He asks softly.

I nod my head. "That would be me. Why?"

He clears his throat and removes his hat. "I regret to inform you, but William Joseph Reynolds has been reported missing. This was found out after a battle last week. He said for us to contact you if anything were to happen to him. I’m sorry to bring such news Miss. Have a good day." Without waiting for a response he nods his head and walks down the walkway to his horse.

Emily comes up from behind me. "Cathleen-"

"Don’t." I cut her off, my throat tightening. "Don’t try to make this better because nothing you can say right now will help."

She nods her head slowly. "Jane, help me get Cathleen up to her room. She doesn’t look too well." Before anyone can help me, I sink down to the floor and finally lose all control, not able to think of anything besides William and how I let him slip away..