Hold My Hand - A Civil War Love Story

Part 19: The Letter

I'm awoken at an early hour by the coldness of the room. I'm groggy but realize that the windows must've been open all night, so I pull the covers up around my neck. No matter how heavy these blankets are I'm still shaking from being so cold.

Suddenly a thought comes to me. Shouldn't Raymond, my husband, be holding me? Isn't that how married couples are supposed to act? At least thats just my general preception of a marriage. I turn around and find Raymond sound asleep on the edge of his side of the bed. He's snoring rather obnoxiously, and doesn't seem to be bothered by the cold.

I'm crushed by the fact that he's not holding me. I don't know why, but it bothers me. After a night of such activities the least you can do to your young wife, whose not even eighteen, is keep her close to you, protected from the cold.

Deciding the only thing to do is put some warm clothes on, I stumble out of bed and head to the dresser. I pick out a heavy nightgown and slip it on. Before heading back to bed I shut all the windows and grab an extra blanket out of the closet.

Within a few minutes I'm warm again and trying to fall back asleep. But, I cannot shake Raymond's lack of affection towards me. Surely William would hold me throughout the night.

My heart stops when I think of William. He really is gone for good. Even if he would somehow come back, how could I leave my husband? Raymond would be humiliated, hurt, and furious at me. I've officially sold my life and happiness away to Raymond Steel.

Before I know it the sun is up and Raymond is slowly waking up. He stretches and lets out a yawn before wrapping an arm around me. We can't see eachother's faces because we are both facing the right, which I'm thankful for. I just can't look at him without thinking of William.

"Morning Cathleen." He says in a half asleep voice.

"Morning." I say quietly, trying to keep my voice steady. Before he can say anything else I slip out of bed and look for an outfit to wear.

"Where'd that nightgown come from darling?" He sits up and asks comically.

"I got cold so I put it on." I say barely above a whisper. I pick out a pink dress with sleeves and a higher up neckline. Then I step into the bathroom and get ready. After french braiding my hair and all of the other parts of my daily routine, I walk back into the bedroom to find Raymond still lying in bed.

"Dressing a little modest are we?" He asks curiously. Then he gets out of bed so I look away due to the fact he is not dressed yet. I hear a chuckle escape his lips as he's getting dressed. "You're allowed to look at your husband you know. Nothing you didn't see last night-"

"I'm just feeling a little overwhelemed is all." I say quickly, trying to cover up how I'm really feeling. Plus, I don't feel comfortable talking about such things just yet.

Raymond finishes getting dressed and he turns me around. "Cathleen you don't need to feel embarrassed about anything. We are married, last night was something all married couples do."

I can feel my face turn bright red and I look away from his blue eyes. "That's not it Raymond."

He sighs and heads towards the bathroom. After a few minutes he comes back out to me. "Then I don't see what's wrong-"

"What's wrong is I was freezing cold last night and you were perfectly fine. I've only got three hours of sleep and am a little dazed by the fact that I'm married." I wipe a tear from my eye and wait for Raymond to say something.

"What does me not being cold have to do with anything?" He asks bluntly. His response puts me over the edge.

"Because I wanted to be held last night!" I cry out. "I wanted to feel loved and not alone in a big old bed! I just thought that when I was married it would feel different."

A mix of anger and hurt fills Raymond, and he takes a moment to compose himself."You thought it wouldn't be me who you were married to." Raymond says, rather than asking. I don't respond, which he takes as a response of its own. Suddenly he pulls open a dresser drawer and digs around until he finds a folded up old looking piece of paper. "Here," He says handing it to me. "Maybe this will help you accept everything."

I take the letter and cautiously unfold it. I read the scribbled, familiar writing and start crying once I realize who it's from.

Mr. Raymond Steel,

I've been told that you are a very wealthy man. I've also learned that you are the man that hired my Cathleen as a maid for your estate and you are not yet married. You see, I love Cathleen with all my heart, but I can't be with her right now. I'm trying my best to get back to her, but I've gotten a bad head injury preventing me from moving faster. I'm constantly dizzy and tired and the fact that I've run away from the army doesn't get me much help from anyone. I'm seen as a criminal, and nobody wants to help heal me so I can return to Cathleen. Since you are so wealthy and well off, I am asking a large favor from you. If I do not come for Cathleen one month after my letter has come, I beg of you to ask her for your hand in marriage. She used to be very wealthy until her parents passed away, so you could help her live the life she was supposed to. I promise you wouldn't regret marrying her. Everything about her is perfect. I can't find a flaw about her! Please don't show her this unless she gives you a hard time about marriage. I know she won't agree at first, but you are a smart wealthy man, I'm sure you can convince her.

Thank You,

Wiliiam Joseph Reynolds

I stare at the letter, I try to reread it, but I can't. My head is spinning as I try to gasp this letter. He ran away from the army. He wants me to marry Raymond. He's somewhere hurt. He's a war criminal.

I sit down on the bed and Raymond rushes downstairs to get me some water. I realize I'm shaking, but not just from the cold. Minutes later Raymond comes back and hands me a glass of water. "I need to get out of here."

"What the hell are you talking about Cathleen?" He asks with just a slight bit of irritation in his voice.

"I just need some space is all." I explain calmly, trying not to anger Raymond. "I need to clear my head. I can go into town and shop around a bit."

"I don't want you to." He says seriously.

"And why not Raymond?" I ask.

"Because I'm afraid you won't come back." He says quietly. "Then what will I do?"

"Don't be silly Raymond." I say with a laugh. I walk over and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You don't need me, I'm the one that needs you."

"Is that so Cathleen?"

My eyes flicker around the room as I think of the right answer. "Yes, I believe so."

He sighs with disappointment, probably because I didn't give him a more eager answer. "That's what I thought. Go ahead, go to town. Buy something nice, I'll give you money." He walks over to the dresser and opens the top drawer. He pulls out his wallet and gives it to me.

"Thank you." I plant a small kiss on his cheek and head out the door before he can change his mind.