Remember What?

Chapter 14

He died. There's no real way you can sugarcoat a death, but perhaps saying he left this world is better? But then it makes him seem so lost, when in reality he's just so gone. He's gone from my life and everyone else's lives. Not permanently, but a dreadful temporary that seems to last forever. The night he died wasn't particularly gloomy, but I did notice the stars. They didn't shine as bright, or maybe my vision had become one shade darker and my personality one bit sadder? Sadness wasn't it, it was deeper than that. It did affect my personality though. It affected my whole life and perspective, it made me realize even more how important now is. Now can be happy or sad, amazing or boring. But like I said before, it changes later and his now, when he killed himself changed my later.
•<•>••<•>•
The hospital immediately called his family for them to say their goodbyes. His dad never showed up, but his mom and sister hugged me and cried with me, just like the family we were supposed to be. But of course I would no longer be her daughter-in-law or her sister-in-law or anything besides the "supposed to be" girl. But what killed me the most is the fact that they consider me the last living piece of him and truth is- I am and that scares me. It scared me to know that I'll carry his memory with me wherever I go, and I don't want people to look at me and see Cameron's lost dreams. I don't want them to see him in me because I was never good enough for him. When I was staring out the window his mom held me and told me something I'd never forget. "You know, he really did love you. He called me a week ago at 3 a.m. to tell me he was afraid of losing you. He was crying more then I ever heard before....and...and maybe this was the way he couldn't lose you. Maybe leaving meant it couldn't happen. If he's gone, how could he lose you?" She sobbed as she told me this, and all I could do was stare at her in disbelief. I wanted to have never known him. I wanted to have never loved him. Most of all, I wanted him to have never loved me because I will always be the girl that was supposed to be and the girl that never will be.
•<•>••<•>•
I drove home slowly, remembering my last trip back from the hospital. He was driving while I was in the back laying down. It was the unprecedented beginning of our downfall. I woke up with a severe pain in my stomach and I knew, I knew I had lost the baby. I had forgotten about this, but I knew why- I choose to forget. It was something that only brought more sadness and trouble upon us. And since nobody knew, nobody would ever know. That's when everything fell apart, first our relationship, then me, and finally him, and he was the end of our downfall. Perhaps he knew the end of him would release some pain, the pain of our relationship. But he didn't know it would cause the pain of his death, the pain of his non-existence in my life.