The Knight in Leather Armor

ch.47 Stay Gold, Dally

I took quiet, deep breaths as I sat down on the couch and curled my legs up to my chest.

I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t heart-broken or balling my eyes out like Bella Swan. I was just.

Numb.

I didn’t want to feel anything because quite honestly, Harry was the only person who could make me feel anything.

And he was gone because of me. He had to leave because I was his trouble and that’s all I’ll ever be for anyone: trouble.  I shook my head in disgust. God, I sound like Taylor.

***

I was quiet for a moment. I was quiet for an hour, a day; I wasn’t really sure how much time had passed since Harry had left. I just knew that he had.

School, chores, restaurant shifts, all jumbled together to make one monotonous cycle.  A few nods in class. I smile at the restaurant. And a “hey” to Danny. That’s all it took to maintain this schedule. Another ten years might as well have passed.

It scared me how little effort it took to sustain this rhythm.

And then I slipped up here and there: I nodded too many times in class. I grimaced once at the restaurant. I spoke back to Danny. I slipped up just so that I didn’t feel scared again. I didn’t want to feel again. It’s easier that way. It was so easy; I wondered why I didn’t do it all along.

Daisy did it for years. She pretended to care about Tom and she had a daughter with him. She forgot about James behind Jay. She made Jay. She made a beautiful lie.

And Becky. Becky’s been doing it for years, too. I should have listened to her instead of waiting like a patient, eager, but innocent little child for a man who would leave when the going got tough. And who wouldn’t let me die for him the way he would for me. Why would he even want to die for me? What was so special about my life over his?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

At least Harry has something to run from. Something that makes his life worth living and fighting for. The only thing I lived for was Harry because he had gold inside him. Gold I didn’t know a man of his circumstances, a man in a thousand mile radius of this town- could possess, especially not in this day and age.

And he showed me the gold within me.

But he wouldn’t take it or give his. He was abiding by one rule, one rule I wanted him so desperately to break and yet praying that he never would. It was the one reason why I wanted him above anything else: he was noble. Harry respected Danny because he was a beautiful, noble bastard.

A mouth-watering, spine-tingling, heart-wrenching knight in leather armor. But now I wore his armor. And maybe that’s why I didn’t feel the need to cry or show any emotion anymore; Harry is still with me, his armor is his persona.  He’s still with me…

***

Fitzgerald had a particularly keen grin this morning. I was sure she had successfully failed at least two students’ mid-term papers. I just prayed I wasn’t one of them.

“I’ve graded your mid-terms” she declared as if she were in a court room.

She tapped a long, red-painted fingernail against her desk.

The kid in the first row pulled at his shirt collar for extra breathing space.

Then Fitzgerald’s glazing beady eyes held my gaze.

I looked away hurriedly. I failed. I know I failed.

She reached into her briefcase and pulled out an essay. Wow. She was actually going to read the failed paper out loud. That was a new low, even for her.