It's So Izzy (Duzzy)

chapter 9

duff stared at the fallen boy in front of him, still with his hand outstretched for him to get up, he couldn't believe what he was seeing, his eyes were wide open and he, with his mouth open, was trying to pull air back into his lungs, failing miserably.

It was him. Izzy was right in front of him. But how? Hes head got full of confused thoughts. It was not happening the way duff thought it would, it was not like all the times duff dreamed while sitting in a boring class chair, he did not jumped in his arms and kissed him until he got no air left, it actually was the opposite.
Izzy was acting weird, he was.. different.. 
his face was serious, he didn't look happy to see duff, in fact he looked indifferent.he wanted to say something, to spit out some word, but his throat seemed to close for a minute. The boy ignored McKagan's hand and got up on his own, picking up his black backpack and some insignificant belongings, shaking his dark locks a little.
Duffs heart sank, and as Izzy got up he could feel his heart breaking inside of his chest
He lowered his head a little, as if to say goodbye, turned around, and left.

Duff looked down, with a shocking expression still on his face, his eyes got wet as he felt his hands shake, he could feel a anxiety crisis getting close and for one moment he felt like he was a little boy again, he didn't know why stradlin acted that way, he felt like he just wanted to run home, hide under the bed and never come out again.
he managed to run to his dorm, once he found his and slash's room his hands were almost uncontrollable, he couldn't  get the key on the braid, he cried on silent desperately, and his heart was fast as he tried to get air, once he opened the door slash, who was settled down on a chair, taking a look at his schedules managed to say hi, being cut off by duff, who threw himself onto the bed, collapsing in now clear tears, he clutched the quilts and sobbed as if his whole life depended on it.

Slash got up faster than a thunder and set down to his side, passing some caring hands over his chest

"What happened dude?" he said

"ifoubisynveway" he muttered with his face buried in the quilts

"what?"

he raised his head and looked to slash with his eyes red and shaking lips

"i. found. izzy. on. the. way."

slash's eyes opened

"what? wait, how? why?"
his head was confused

duff bited his finger "I dont know. but i saw him and it was awful!"

"what happened, i thought you guys were fine" he said as he tuck a blonde lock behind duff's ear with his fingers

"I. I dont know.." he looked back to slash, tears coming back to his eyes and his lips shaking " he just seem diferent. the way he looked at me, he wasn't like this not evem when we fought. it hurt so much to see my guy turning back to me, and i dont know why.."

slash hugged mckagan, while he still passed his hands through the blonde's back

"its okay, everything is gonna be okay, you gotta breath duff, through your nose and your mouth, okay?"

"but what if it doesn't get okay slash?"

pov Izzy

i set down the Hall of my house, wearing the same shirt and boxers i was using through a week, didnt felt like getting in a shower for a while, didn't ate, i dont get hungry, and didn't sleep since michael got out the town.

Duff.
His name is always on his mind, he fantasize about holding him on his arms again.
After his mom found out, she came back to being a drunk bitch and was always out working. Her boyfriend had move in because since i was kissing boys, maybe he could "teach me how to be a man". He is an asshole. He's huge and likes to sip beer on the living room couch, while he watches out tv, he doesnt let anyone use it but him. I've seen that show before, his the drunk classical man of the sixties, who punches his wife and makes she tell everyone that she fell from the stairs.
Mom is never home, not that i want she to be, shes a bitch with me anyways.
Jose is his name, and he pick so much on me, his always hitting me on the head and everything i do, EVERYTHING,  is wrong, even when it is perfect.
I think he is gay to be honest. besides always treating my mom like crap, he.. well, sometimes he put his silly hands on me, im not gonna say anything abot it, and i hate him with all the hate have on myself and if i could I would kill him.
and I just have to sit down em be quiet about it? the only times i tried to talk back or even hit him, the the physical abuse got worse. I had more bleeding noses that i have ever had in my entire life. if you think "well then run away" i cant. i tried and yet, he still found me. he told me that i can run from him, but i cant hide forever."
when i interact with him, i end up on my bed, crying from anger. and sometimes from sadness. i dont like feeling vulnerable. i never do anything that possibly made me get vulnerable. the only person on life and death that i could let myself be vulnerable is Duff and only him. I dont talk around people usually, i dont like it. But with michael.. with him was different, i coul not only talk, but tell him so many emotional things, stupid I know, but i could be vulnerable and I didn't need to keep my pose around him.
Duff was a good feeling vulnerable, Jose is a bad vulnerable. like i can wake up to he stabbing me, or some worse things i dont wanna talk about.

the phone rings. it's too early to anyone from my moms friend group call, those bunch of divorced women's pass the whole day talking with my mom on the phone. So I let it ring again till I sigh, getting up.

"isbell house.." thats all i say. I hate phone conversations,  if i could I would ban it from the world.

"Hello jeffrey." the sharp voice on the other side shocks me and makes my eyes widen

"H-hi Mrs Mckagan. hm.." I tried to think about something better to say but nothing came up on my mind

"Hi. Im calling just to let you know about something related to michael."

okay now im listening.

"apparently, last month you guys made your tests to the university, right?"

"hum.. yeah, we send it together."
i wasn't understanding were she was trying to go

"Well, i cant force or intervene on your acceptance, so i decided to talk about you, something me and my husband have decided. "

"as you my not know, my husband and i have a lot of friends from out of town, we got many kids, and some of them have get into multiple universities around the contry, thankfully."

"i.. think im missing the point." I arch my eyebrows, I don't understand.

"Anyway, we know so many universities  owners, directors and teachers. Some of them being Roy o. disney, Walt disney and even Nelbert choinard. what im saying is that we wont eo anything to your future okay, but wouldn't be sad if Michael didn't make it?"

What does she mean by michael not making it?

" Well since you guys.. relation was the cause of everything, i think you would do whats best for michael! You know so well what is like to live in america being a citizen without a University Degree right? Poor people working day and night their asses down every seven days of the week, and not being able to even see the color of your money at the end of the month. Is tiring right? how many times you see your mom in a week?"

shes a bitch.

"Well what i want from you is, or you contact michael while you both go to the university, and we ruin Michael's future by declining him, or you can be a nice boyfriend.."

she says the word boyfriend almost spit  and i realize she may hate us pretty much more than i thought.

"come on, you are smart, you should think about his future, how many opportunities he can have, how much money, happiness, this universitie can bring to him? and then he would be capable of having a nice house with a lovely wife, and a family."

i tought about it for a second, and almost squeezing my heart inside my hand i stayed on silence. I knew she wasn't lying, and im smarter than duff to know the right thing to do. I love him more than anything in the world, and goddammit no one in the universe will be capable of understanding how i wanted to have him on my arms right now. How i wish i could just run away with him to some place far, how i love passing my hands over his soft face, how i like to kiss him and how i love to have so many control over him that even with a simple touch, I disarm his whole body. But shes right, if you cant go to an university, ur screwed. people can be are really suckers with other people.

With my whole heart on my hand and my tears almost getting out from my eyes i hold harder the phone

"..i got it. You dont have nothing to worry about."

"Right. i knew you would choose the best option."

i hang up and pass my hands over my face, i couldn't let anyone see me cry because i dont want it, and the whole situation in my house whould get way worse.

i get up the stairs and walk over to my room, passing through Jose on the way.

"Who were you talking to?"
he asks. im pretty much mentally tired to even try to lead with him right now.

"no one." I try to get in my room but he pulls me by my shoulder

"No one in this house uses the phone without me knowing allright, fag?"

i nood, looking to his eyes and finally he let me get in my room and close the door. last week he toke my door key, so i cant lock me in. i throw myself on the bed and and I beg that this is all just a big nightmare