When We Fall

s i x t e e n

.16 | saige
-not edited-

I SWALLOW, NOT WANTING to break the silence.

Cas sits in the fluffy armchair by my bed, just the two of us in the room. He doesn't know what I want to talk to him about, but he's here to listen.

His brows are furrowed in the center, his face half worry and half fear.

"Look, Cas, I need you to let me talk, and don't interrupt before I'm finished. You need to hear everything, okay?"

He nods, gulping.

"I haven't been entirely truthful about why I left, there's a lot you don't know about my life."

"Your grandma doesn't live in Wisconsin does she? Do you even have a grandma?" He asks.

I shake my head, "She died when I was three."

He nods, waiting silently for me to continue.

And so I start from the very very beginning of everything.

I tell him about how it started out with mild depression, and that led to feeling like I wasn't good enough.

How from there I started comparing myself to others, feeling like I wasn't 'pretty enough' or 'skinny enough' and I started to eat less and exercise more.

Then it got super extreme. I started losing weight and I couldn't stop, I was starving myself, I would trick my parents into thinking I was eating everyday, and would have nothing but a few pieces of fruit and a piece of bread each day.

And then I just spiraled out of control, mentally and physically. It took such a toll on me, and I was so tired.

Everyday I woke up with barely enough energy to get out of bed, and I was so tired of living that way. So tired of the pain and the weight on my chest that I couldn't seem to make go away.

So tired of being so happy one moment, but completely crashing the next. So tired of fighting war with my brain.

And so I waited until my parents went out to dinner, and I tried to make the pain stop.

I tell him how that obviously failed, and I was sent to the rehabilitation center in Wisconsin, where I 'got better'.

I explain why I never got the chance to say bye before I left, and didn't have the opportunity to reach out while there.

I go into detail over meeting Dalton, and how we started dating. And how even though I was doing so much better, the war in my head wasn't won yet.

How when I came home, even though I ignored it at the time, Dalton inspired my retreat of progress, and I went back to spiraling after that first night he hit me.

And finally I tell him what he walked in on in the bathroom, and what he would've found if he was just a few minutes later.

He stays absolutely silent through it all, but moved over close to me as the tears form, and holds my hand as they fall.

Tears pool in his eyes too, a stray one sliding down his face here and there.

And when I was done, neither of us spoke for a long time.