I Am Not In Love [Zarry Stylik AU]©️

I don't like parties

H,

Tuesday

"It's that time of the year again!!!" Maria sang as she danced towards me, moving her shoulders to an imaginary song. My friend planted her elbows on the counter and looked at me with her big eyes and bright smile. She was uber-excited. "Do we have a theme?"

I showed her a shy smile while cutting the stems from a bunch of roses that had just been delivered. I had gardening scissors in one hand and a thick glove in the other, facing a never-ending mountain of flowers and taking my time to cut the spikes. It was mid-afternoon, and the store was empty, with low movement. The party was tomorrow, I had everything already: food, drinks, games, music, space...

What I didn't have was a theme.

And the theme was mandatory!

This party thing started when I first came out. I felt so free and happy about finding myself and being loved by everyone that I decided to throw a party. I invited the boys over - I didn't have a theme per se, but since I had come out recently, I thought...we should all pledge allegiance to the rainbow flag. So, I asked my friends to come as unusual colours of the rainbow. It made for an awesome picture at the end of the night. It was so fun, and I was so happy that I made it my task to host it every year and I hadn't failed once.

I would announce the date of the party at the beginning of the year, so everyone could have it on their calendars (myself included) – usually in the summer, some random day in August. My friends only had to do three things: 1) respect the theme. 2) show up on time and leave on time. 3) have the most and absolute fun. It was a one-night-only event and the magic happened because people respected these three rules. It would begin early (around sunset) and finish early (about 01 or 02 in the morning) so the people who had work the next day could still get some good hours of sleep. It started just as a small group, but now, my party was a staple in our circle. Once, I had 60 people roaming around my flat - friends of friends, neighbours, and family members. It was insane!

So, I had everything in place, and I knew people were dying to know the theme. Usually, they know it by now but...

I have been distracted. My mind has been elsewhere. My heart has been too full and as I cut these roses, there was only one thing on my mind.

Zayn.

Our last hangout was still fresh in my mind, and I couldn't think of anything else. His voice, how he looked, the magic of The Pirate and the intimacy of the studio. How we held hands after he had bit mine or shared one joint on our way to the place. It felt close. Warm and lovely. I liked how we connected. There was not a single moment of silence between us. Not a lost joke or misunderstanding. We aligned like two perfect planets. We sat close, my knees touching his and I could smell his perfume.

When I sang 'Father Figure,' I did it for him - to show him how good I can sound. How special I can be. How...beautiful it could be. When he sang 'Gentleman' I was... fucking aroused. The lyrics, the sultry tone of his voice, how he held the mic close to his mouth and the notes were like moans. His moans. The moans I had heard before. Of course, I was fucking turned on. Of course, I had a giant erection, and I would take him to that table. I ran to the bathroom, locked myself in the stall and banged on out. I didn't care that people were roaming around the bathroom, conversations happening outside a flimsy wooden door. I stroked myself, with a firm hand, eyes closed and one hand on the wall. I kept the imagery of the song and picked up his sounds when we had sex. I went about until I came with soft gasps and tiny moans.

From that moment on I wanted to kiss him.

I needed to kiss him.

I had to kiss him, and it had been bothering me since the idea popped into my mind. In the studio, while I listened to his voice and his cockiness during 'Lucozade,' I wanted to take my clothes off. And during 'Icarus Interlude' I did kiss him but found solace in outlining the wings tattoo under his ear.