𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐮𝐬 (𝐭𝐛𝐣𝐳𝐥)

1

TOBI
I'm drained. This job is fucking exhausting and it's been taking it's toll on me for the past couple months mentally. I never realised how bad I was getting till I thought about it and was like shit this is bad. The boys have no clue , at least I don't think they do. We have a shoot tomorrow at like 2:30? I have no fucking clue.

GROUP CHAT (8:30pm night before shoot)
Simon : Yoooo buys we still down for 1:30 tomorrow?
Harry: yes bro👍🏼
Ethan : all good
Jj: what we filming
Tobi : yeah what we filming?(shit that's early)
Josh : a muckbank innit?
Vik : I'm down
Tobi : oh ok
Simon : cool boys meet up at the house,Burger King sound good?
All the boys : sound 👍🏼
Harry : see u boys tomorrow!

TOBI
Not a muckbank. I've went off my eating the past week , anything I eat just comes back up and, I don't like eating anyway. The last sidemen shoot I didn't eat but I just said I didn't feel well and they all pretty much bought it besides Josh who seemed slightly concerned, but I assured him I was fine.

I'm absolutely shattered I just want to go to sleep it's going to be a long shoot tomorrow anyway. I set my alarm for 12 and went to bed.

That fucking alarm man. It hurts my ears , I dread it every morning but without it I'd never get up in the mornings, or afternoons. I stare into space for half an hour thinking about how the fuck I'm going to get through this muckbank without throwing up or breaking down. Eventually I drag myself out of bed and put on my black hoodie and cargos , Yeezys and a beanie and go sit out in my living room. I'm planning on leaving my flat around 1:10 since the sidemen house is just 10 minutes down the road from me and it's currently 12:50 so I still have a while. Which is so bad because it gives me more time to think and more time to think makes more time to overthink and holy shit how am I going to get through this video. Pure panic quickly rushes through my entire body and my breathing turns heavy. My eyes turn glossy and I'm holding back tears , I feel trapped.

I collapse to the floor in agony holding my chest , gasping for air. Eventually I calmed myself down. God dam I hate panic attacks. As much as that was a bad attak it certainly wasn't my worst. I've had many worse and I've had to hide every single one. The only good thing about the one I just had is it only lasted 10 minutes so it wasn't awful.

GROUP CHAT
Josh : hey boys leaving soon.
Simon : same bro
Harry : just getting out of bed guys
Vik : you taking the piss hazza 😂
Tobi : yeh boys leaving in ten.
Jj: mate I'm so excited for a burger
Harry : no suprise mate have u seen the size of you!
Simon : ahaha
no matter how depressed I am boggo can always make me smile.
Ethan : yeh boys leaving in 5 just shaving my beard with my new razor I got see yous soon fat bastards.
All boys : cya lads!

TOBI
Razor.. razor. 'Come on tobi you have to leave in five minutes don't' I think , but I'm triggered and I need relief from my anxiety about this muckbank , plus I'm wearing a jumper so I can cover it. I head to the bathroom take the blade out of my razor a dig it deep into my lower arm and watch the blood drip down onto the marble floor. I take a cloth to the wound and clean up the floor. I cover my new cut and all my other ones from the past few months with my jumper. The cutting makes me feel better.

I make my way to my car and begin my drive to the sidemen house.