TOBI
I'm drained. This job is fucking exhausting and it's been taking it's toll on me for the past couple months mentally. I never realised how bad I was getting till I thought about it and was like shit this is bad. The boys have no clue , at least I don't think they do. We have a shoot tomorrow at like 2:30? I have no fucking clue.GROUP CHAT (8:30pm night before shoot)
Simon : Yoooo buys we still down for 1:30 tomorrow?
Harry: yes bro👍🏼
Ethan : all good
Jj: what we filming
Tobi : yeah what we filming?(shit that's early)
Josh : a muckbank innit?
Vik : I'm down
Tobi : oh ok
Simon : cool boys meet up at the house,Burger King sound good?
All the boys : sound 👍🏼
Harry : see u boys tomorrow!TOBI
Not a muckbank. I've went off my eating the past week , anything I eat just comes back up and, I don't like eating anyway. The last sidemen shoot I didn't eat but I just said I didn't feel well and they all pretty much bought it besides Josh who seemed slightly concerned, but I assured him I was fine.I'm absolutely shattered I just want to go to sleep it's going to be a long shoot tomorrow anyway. I set my alarm for 12 and went to bed.
That fucking alarm man. It hurts my ears , I dread it every morning but without it I'd never get up in the mornings, or afternoons. I stare into space for half an hour thinking about how the fuck I'm going to get through this muckbank without throwing up or breaking down. Eventually I drag myself out of bed and put on my black hoodie and cargos , Yeezys and a beanie and go sit out in my living room. I'm planning on leaving my flat around 1:10 since the sidemen house is just 10 minutes down the road from me and it's currently 12:50 so I still have a while. Which is so bad because it gives me more time to think and more time to think makes more time to overthink and holy shit how am I going to get through this video. Pure panic quickly rushes through my entire body and my breathing turns heavy. My eyes turn glossy and I'm holding back tears , I feel trapped.
I collapse to the floor in agony holding my chest , gasping for air. Eventually I calmed myself down. God dam I hate panic attacks. As much as that was a bad attak it certainly wasn't my worst. I've had many worse and I've had to hide every single one. The only good thing about the one I just had is it only lasted 10 minutes so it wasn't awful.
GROUP CHAT
Josh : hey boys leaving soon.
Simon : same bro
Harry : just getting out of bed guys
Vik : you taking the piss hazza 😂
Tobi : yeh boys leaving in ten.
Jj: mate I'm so excited for a burger
Harry : no suprise mate have u seen the size of you!
Simon : ahaha
no matter how depressed I am boggo can always make me smile.
Ethan : yeh boys leaving in 5 just shaving my beard with my new razor I got see yous soon fat bastards.
All boys : cya lads!TOBI
Razor.. razor. 'Come on tobi you have to leave in five minutes don't' I think , but I'm triggered and I need relief from my anxiety about this muckbank , plus I'm wearing a jumper so I can cover it. I head to the bathroom take the blade out of my razor a dig it deep into my lower arm and watch the blood drip down onto the marble floor. I take a cloth to the wound and clean up the floor. I cover my new cut and all my other ones from the past few months with my jumper. The cutting makes me feel better.I make my way to my car and begin my drive to the sidemen house.
YOU ARE READING
𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐮𝐬 (𝐭𝐛𝐣𝐳𝐥)
Fanfictiontobi(tbjzl) mental health is at a big low and the boys ( the sidemen ) are starting to catch on. Tobi wants to tell the boys everything and open up but is scared of what they'll think. tw: sh , anxiety, panic attacks , depression, suicidal thoughts.