Only Hers

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Imani

Four Months Ago

I jumped out of my sleep and I sat up the in bed breathing heavily. I was sweating and the nausea waved through me. I quickly got out the bed and rushed to the bathroom.

I didn't turn on the lights and just lifted the toilet seat throwing up inside of the toilet. I held my hair back and the bathroom was pitch black.

I was done vomiting and I got up. I turned on the light and I flushed the toilet. Fuck me, I forgot how much of a pain in the ass morning sickness was. It had to be about one in the morning right now. I rinsed out my mouth and washed my face off.

I hated this. I wished they would just go away. I hated having to dream and think about what they did to me. Their hands, their mouth, I gagged at the thought. I rinsed my face off again and my eyes bags were getting worse.

I missed him. I missed the fact that his arms were the only thing that kept the bad dreams away. I don't know how I can fix this or make it any better without him. I just needed to go see a doctor and see what they say. I already know what there going to tell me, but I can't really just tell all my traumatic life problems.

***

It's been two days since my last conversation with Kazimir. We had a brief talk about Juan and we agreed that I would tell Azura first. I would let her say her goodbye to him, then he kills him. This whole thing ends.

I took her to the inside pool since she wanted to go swimming so bad. I thought since she was slightly distracted. She splashed around in the pool and I had a few things to organize.

I had to make a school schedule for Azura, so Russian life doesn't include playing all the time. She also needs a Russian tutor besides me. I was hoping that by September we could try put her into a school.

I'm a bit cautious since she's black. She might, well she will be a target to racism and I don't want that. I believe Kazimir will make the children's parents lives difficult, because of it.

I wrote down anything else I thought was needed. I wrote down ideas of what I wanted to do for the nurseries. I wanted a neutral theme, but at the same time something nice.

My phone vibrated and I picked it up. It was Kazimir texting me and I responded to him. I need about thirty more minutes. I called Azura out of the pool and made her sit down on the other chair.

I got her towel and wrapped it around her. I eased her to sit down and I'm going to have to wash her hair tonight.

"I need to talk to you about something," I said.

"I didn't do anything bad."

"No, mamacita you didn't do anything. It's about your daddy."

"Are we going to see him?"

"We are, but you won't see him again," I say, softly.

"What...? Is he going back to Mexico? I wanna see grandma as well."

"No, baby this is different."

She furrowed her brows and tilted her head to the sides. What am I going to tell her? I should just say he's sick and he's going to die.

"Um you won't see him again at all. Daddy isn't well and that means he's going to pass away. You have to say goodbye to him even though you might not want to."

"I don't want to lose daddy, he said we were going to be family again," she pouts.

"I know that's what you want, but it's not possibly baby."