metulji - jan peteh

How many questions?

'And you've never met him before?'

Sanjay's jaw practically hit the floor as I shook my head. Having not had a great experience with men himself, the thought of one even being slightly nice had clearly shocked him. Also, in his eyes, he was the only trustworthy man in my life, as my loyal best friend. A sudden wave of envy spoiled his face slightly, and, pretending not to notice, I decided to continue the conversation.

'No, I'd never even seen him before. I would've known if it was someone I knew.' I replied, more for my own benefit than Sanjay's. Trying to lay out what had just happened was difficult, and setting it straight in my own mind even more so. With every question asked, I just got more and more confused.

'And he was cute?' queried Ocean, breaking her silence. She had barely said a word since I reached the table, more intent on drinking her rum and coke without wasting a drop. Waiting for an answer, she lifted the glass to her lips and made brief eye contact with Sanjay, causing him to do the same. This was something they'd do a lot - lure me into a trap with innocent questions, and then suddenly ask for intimate details. Now I'd be forced to actually admit how I felt, even though I wasn't even ready to accept it myself.

'Fine. Yes, he was cute. He had long, dark hair and even darker eyes. He sounded friendly at times but definitely didn't seem to like social contact too much. He was probably drunk when he grabbed my hand, he must've been, otherwise why would someone so-' I stopped, realising that both of them had already dropped their glasses, waiting for me to finish. As usual, I'd stopped taking notice of them, causing myself to say more than was actually asked, so that I looked like I was just handing out free information.

'So you like him?' asked Sanjay.

'If we'd met before, I'd say it was somewhat romantic.'

Again, the pair exchanged glances, before their eyes landed on me again, hawk-like and knowing. I shuffled back in my seat, nervous, knowing that more questions were coming and I wouldn't know what to say. I never liked being vulnerable in public places - for all I know, he could be stood near enough to listen to all of this and think I was completely odd, and then I'd never stand a chance. My guard had to stay up, at least until we got home.

Why did I care so much about what he thought?

Too many questions; now I was even asking myself for responses I didn't have. Retreating into the comfort of my own mind, I let myself think about the interaction again, replaying each part, searching for a matching face in my memories, seeing if I knew his voice. I didn't even ask his name.

I had nothing.

~0~

The night went on, and I began to get comfortable again. After I'd realised that the guy had taken what was left of my piña colada, I'd used it as an excuse to get plenty more of them. I lost count of how many I'd downed as the room began to tilt to the left, the people dotted around the tables and vibing on the dance floor now seeming to grow and shrink every second. Ocean was in a similar state - her eyes drifted each time she tried to look at me, and every laugh was followed with a snort. On the opposite side of tje table, Sanjay looked fine, but I knew better. He was a great liar, he'd been masking his lack of sobriety for a few years now, given him having stricter parents than mine and far more guts. I saw him pick his jacket up from his lap, standing up from the barstool and fishing out a few cigarettes. 'I'll be back in a few minutes.', he slurred, a dead giveaway to his lack of coherence. We said our goodbyes and hoped he would make it back to the table. I knew better.

'Come on, Lil. Loosen up. Let's go for a dance.' Ocean finally said, after we'd sat on our phones for a few minutes, the disappearance of Sanjay having killed the mood. I'd not even noticed how upright I was sitting until she'd spoken, and I agreed that heading to the floor was the best way to fix my pent-up stress.