metulji - jan peteh

I shouldn't have - JAN POV

HUGE HUGE HUGE DISCLAIMER!!!!!!!

The events in the next 2 chapters involve a lot of situations that need to be understood before they are read. I'm just going to drop this fact:

Lilia has had a harsh romantic past, where she has not been treated well at all. She also has major anxiety and fear of abandonment, which causes her to not react well to some situations, including one of the ones in the following chapters. Her worries can affect her words and she overthinks to the point where she believes EVERYTHING is against her.

Thank you for reading this disclaimer.

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JAN POV:

The truth was, I was lying about my strange mood not being Bojan's fault.

I practically paced the living room, anxiously taking small steps, trying to figure out the best way to tell Lilia about our return to Slovenia. As I turned around to begin making my way back down the room again, I noticed Bojan entering through the doorway.

'You're up early.' he remarked, sounding shocked.

'I wanted to make us breakfast.' I gestured at the table as I said this; only a few condiments remained there, a fragment of what had been. 'I'm taking her out today.'

'To break the news?' he asked innocently. Despite not meaning to, that question struck a nerve. It was like the rest of the group were desperate for me to say something, even though I consistently told them I was going to.

'Bojan, not everything is about 'breaking the news'. I've got everything under control.' I sighed longly, hoping that the questions would end there. They didn't.

'But you will tell her today, right? We have two nights before we go.' He said it like I didn't know, which stung even more than the fact he had said it at all.

'Bojan, calm down.' I snapped, turning away from him and heading back down to the table to pick up the salt grinder.

'You know I don't mean it like that.' he fought back.

'I know.' I sighed again, pretty much collapsing onto one of the chairs by the dining table, my head falling into my hands. The truth was, I was scared that she would want nothing to do with me after finding out we were leaving. But I was more scared that she would want nothing to do after finding out that I'd been keeping the knowledge from her.

'She won't hate you for it. Just don't let her figure it out before you get a chance to say something.' Bojan advised, almost like he was an expert on the matter.

'And if she does?' I asked, unmoving. My hands began to sweat slightly, leaving a sense of hotness on my forehead.

'Then it's her fault, not yours. But if you don't tell  her...' he trailed off, not wanting to admit that I would be in the wrong. He didn't have to - I was aware already. He tried to start again, but, not wanting to upset me further, he just stopped where he was, leaving only an echo of regret between us.

'Bojan, how do I do it? How do I look her in the eyes and tell her that this can't go anywhere unless she doesn't mind the distance?' I looked up to him now, causing him to shuffle in his place slightly. He'd run out of ideas.

'I don't know.' he replied honestly. We sat there for a few moments, both of us unsure of what to say or do. After a while, Bojan made his exit, trailing down the corridor. Out of nowhere, I heard his voice speak again, switching to English.

'Jan, you just have to prepare yourself.'

So, that was what I was doing. Preparing myself. Clearly not very well, given that she had already picked up on it just seconds after leaving the apartment. We sat in stark silence as the elevator moved down the floors, only being interrupted by the tone that rang out when we reached the ground. Stepping out, I tried to act normal, not walking in front of her as I had attempted before.