metulji - jan peteh

The butterflies are gone

'So you were going to have sex with me and then fuck off back to Slovenia?' I shouted, ignoring the hurt look that now resonated on his face.

'It isn't like that, I just didn't want to hurt you by leaving.' he pleaded, his voice cracking slightly as he attempted to reason with me. No excuse would change my mind - he was here to have nothing more than a fling with me, then go away again, leaving no trace that I was ever anything to him.

'And you thought this wouldn't hurt me more?' I raised my voice now, backing away into the corner, where my anxiety began to consume me.

'I was going to tell you a better way. I'm sorry.'

'When?' My voice only got louder as tears began to well in my eyes. I blinked them away, forcing them to retreat back to wherever they came from, so that I would show no weakness.

'Either tomorrow or the day after, probably.'

'When you were leaving?' The tears came back, fuller and thicker than before, tackling me. 'You are just like them all. Don't act the fool; I know you better than that.' I stabbed at him with my words, hoping to strike a nerve, waiting for him to accept that he was wrong.

'Lilia, please listen to me.'

'I should have fucking known.' I said this quietly, going over the thoughts clamouring at the front of my mind, searching for an answer, a tell that would reveal that this was his plan the whole time. 'Do you do this to every girl? Is this why Jure jokes about them all leaving you?'

'Lilia.' he was out of breath now, the stress of the situation carrying him further towards me. I hit the wall.

'Get the fuck away from me. How did I not work this out earlier?' I laughed involuntarily mid-sob, the pieces of this cynical puzzle finally coming together as one in my mind. He backed away slightly, but did not leave from in front of me.

'Work what out earlier?' he was furious now, less intent on on convincing me to stop shouting, focusing on the fact that I had completely seen through his 'caring' façade.

'This is why you wanted me to wear that top the other night. This is why you were so eager to do that shoot with me. This is why Nace had to cover for you about the condom on the table. Because you are a monster, Jan Peteh.' My heart rate broke through into my head, creating a pounding sensation that distorted my vision.

'The condom wasn't even mine, Lilia. Sure, Nace gave it to me, but I put it on the table the moment he walked away.' he fought.

'But you don't deny anything else.' I told him icily, biting back my lip to stop me from saying words I would regret. 'Do all of your friends know you're this sickening? Would you like me to tell them?' I questioned him, memories from past occasions flooding back, ones where my pleas to block dozens of awful men had fallen on deaf ears.

'I deny all of it, because none of it is true. Give me a chance to explain myself, at least.' he started, about to fight me on my claims, but I knew better than to sit back and be lied to like I had done before. I would no longer allow myself to be attacked time and time again. To be gaslit into loving a false persona. I was stronger than he knew.

'I let everything slide before. I didn't question the band, I didn't think twice about the condom. Because I trusted you. And, yes, that's probably on me for placing all of my faith into a man that I'd barely known a week, but I genuinely thought that you were different. Do you not feel bad? Does this,' I gestured down at my wrecked state, where I shook like a dog, 'make you feel good? Does it get you off? You sick fuck.' I finished, letting out all of my pent-up stress fall out of me, as I reached for the doorknob.

'Lokvanj, please.'

I turned back to him. His eyes were open and welcoming, his face broken by my words, his mouth ready to explain.

'No.' I threw the door open, hurtling down the corridor, my vision blurry as black fuzz stained the edges of my eyeline. It was hard to walk, but I had to leave. Jan's footfall increased in pace behind me, desperate to reconcile, but not once did I even think about going back.

The end of the corridor was in sight - surely Jan wouldn't do anything to me while the other boys were in the room, right? I rushed for the door, where Kris was stood next to, perfectly in place. 'Get me out. Please.' I begged to him, trying to turn the lock despite the distortion in my head. He asked no questions, just opened the door and led me out.

'Let her cool off.' he advised Jan, who was still trying to follow me. Blocking the route to outside, he stretched himself across the doorway. Jan was crying now; something I'd seen too many times from toxic men. I didn't let it get to me.

Eventually, Jan gave up and allowed Kris to shut the door.

'You don't have to tell me what happened, but I suggest you do.' Kris informed me, trying to stay neutral.

I broke down against the wall, sinking to the floor instantaneously, shivering. Trying to form words was almost impossible. Kris came down to sit next to me, and, although I wanted to tell him everything, it was hard to explain myself when I was crying so badly.

'He didn't tell me you were going back to Slovenia. I thought you were all staying for a while.' I explained slowly, in between deep breaths and hyperventilation. 'He claimed he wasn't just going to leave me. Was he?'

Kris' pained look told me everything I needed to hear.

'Did you know?' I asked, hoping for at least some element of truth today.

'We told him a few times that he was running out of time, but overall he was very closed off about it.' he admitted calmly.

'It shocked me. I didn't think he was like that.' Another round of tears constructed themselves in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.

'I know you don't want to hear this, but Jan means well. He didn't want to lose you, so he decided to wait as long as possible before telling you that we were leaving. I don't necessarily agree with his presentation, but I do know Jan, and he did not mean you any harm.'

'I'm done with excuses, Kris. Nothing here adds up.'

With that, I let everything go; the blackness that slowly seeped into my eyes now fully took me over like a dark haze; any fluid I had left in me condensed onto my waterline and fled down my face. All of the butterflies that Jan had helped me grow in my stomach were released through my cries, until there was nothing left, my consciousness leaving with them.