Bonded

24

Make it Right

distance can't stop what's meant to be 

She wasn't screaming at me, she wasn't even remotely angry and yet, the sound of her voice and the disappointment in it; destroyed my insides. It would've been better if she yelled and screamed, at least I'd know that she was letting the pain in her out, in some way. 

But the pain I felt in my chest right now? I knew it wasn't mine and yet, it shattered my heart. If this was what I felt, how much was this pain for her? There wasn't much she could hide from me when I was aware of every last shred of emotions that she felt. But now I had an answer to all the waves of anxiety, fear and jealousy that had swept through me unprompted over the past weeks.

Everything had clicked into place and I knew why she wouldn't much so look at me during the day and then refuse to let go of me at night. She was scared, but she didn't want to show any signs of weakness in case, Harin or anyone caught on and damaged her more than they'd already done. 

Some part of me was relieved that she trusted me enough to let her vulnerabilities show around me, but another part could sense the disappointment she felt. She'd stripped herself of every mark she put on for the world and showed him the most raw and vulnerable form of her. Me on the other hand? 

I knew I was never going to hide Harin and this fiasco from Mishil; she'd find out once I was done. But the way she found out and the circumstances...if I was her, I'd react the same way. Maybe even more severely. 

"Baby I..." "I want nothing but the truth Namjoon..." She'd rather much have slapped me in the face. Her words weren't harsh but the sharp tone of her voice and the way it took everything in her to hold herself steady.

"I wanted to tell you but-?" What was I going to say? The excuse of not wanting to involve her in my problems had started sounding ridiculous. So I simply sank back down on my chair, lyrics and work forgotten. 

"But what Joonie?" Eyes blazing with anger and hurt but the contours of her face soft, she lifted my chin to resume the eye contact we had earlier. "Tell me the truth this time, the whole truth. I deserve that, don't I?" She said, taking my hand. 

The golden soulmate energy zapped through my veins, clearing my exhaustion-clouded brain. But the energy didn't feel as soothing as it usually does. Her touch was warm but every single word of hers felt like acidic pins to my chest. The way despite the disappointment and pain she felt, the way her eyes lit up just the slightest bit when she looked at me. 

She deserved the entire damn world and here I sat, her soulmate by some divine intervention; hesitating to give her the truth. The fear, the uneasiness and the ultimate 'what if'. What if she had enough? She couldn't leave since we needed each other to survive but the last thing I  wanted her to feel was trapped. Balled and chained to me, for the need to survive. 

But the truth was the least she deserved and I was going to give it to her; even if it scared me to death. "Sit down, baby. Please," 

We sat, face to face. Me ready to speak and her ready to listen; "Harin and I have been acquaintances since she joined Big Hit in mid-2016; she used to be one of our regular stage crew. And she was diligent with her work. And I appreciated that. It wasn't until one company party that things went beyond just knowing each other," And that's how the stash of secrets I kept was out.

"I didn't tell you everything 'cause I didn't want you to think of me as a liar. I might've hidden my relationship with Harin when I was asked but that's only because I truly meant what I said. Nothing or no one mattered to me before you came around in my life. You are what really matters to me. And I swear I wasn't going to hide all of this from you. You appeared sick and I just didn't want to burden you with my problems;" The silence that fell into my studio was suffocating after all of my non-stop speaking and her silently listening.