Y/N ROGERS
The quinjet rumbled underneath me, not allowing me the gift of a peaceful sleep. Not that I could sleep, anyway. Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Hydra, and the things they'd done to me. All I could see was that headpiece – the thing I now knew was the reason why I couldn't remember everything.
They'd erased my memories.
I didn't want to think about it. Not now, and probably not ever.
I looked around the jet at everyone. All of their eyes were blank, and they stared off into the distance, all still lost within their fears, even if Wanda's magic wasn't present to fuel them. They were all probably lost within what they had seen.
What had I seen? Not my past – but the other things. Pietro, the shield, the Avengers, Wanda... that had never happened. But... they seemed like my greatest fears, in some twisted way. If Pietro was dead, that meant I would have no way of knowing my past, seeing as Wanda did not seem inclined to tell me anything about it. The shield... Did that have something to do with Steve dying, or perhaps not protecting me anymore? The Avengers fighting was easy to dissect – they were my family, and I didn't want them to fight, or to split up.
My thoughts kept me occupied until we reached a safe house. It was a house with a wrap-around veranda on vast farmland. We all walked single file into the house, Clint and Natasha taking the lead, followed by Tony, Thor, Steve and me, and Bruce at the back.
We entered the house, and Clint called out, "Honey? I'm home!"
A brown-haired woman rounded the corner, wearing a loose shirt and pants. The thing I immediately noticed about her was that she was heavily pregnant. She held paper and crayons in one hand, and a smile spread across her face as she took in Clint.
"Hi. Company," Clint commented as he kissed the woman. "Sorry I didn't call ahead."
"This is an agent of some kind," Tony quipped.
Clint turned to face us. "Everyone, this is Laura."
Laura smiled at us. "I know all of your names."
Footsteps sounded and I turned to the source of the noise. Two children, a girl and a boy, came running into the room and tackled Clint into a hug. He laughed with them, and I watched as Clint was reunited with his family.
Would I ever get to experience that? If I ever met my real parents – if they were even alive – would they remark on how much I'd grown? Would they care?
"Sorry for barging in on you," Steve offered.
"Yeah, we would have called ahead, but we were busy having no idea that you existed," Tony added, his arms crossed.
"Yeah, well Fury helped me set this up when I joined," Clint explained as he hugged his family. "He kept it off Shield's files. I'd like to keep it that way. I figure it's a good place to lay low."
There was a bit more conversation – the name of Laura's baby and the introductions of Clint's kids, Lila and Cooper. Thor exited the house suddenly, and Steve followed him.
"Y/n, do you want the first shower?" Clint offered. "I think we all know that the others will use up all the hot water."
Natasha rolled her eyes at her best friend, and I was glad that she'd been able to come back enough to find the humour in Clint's statement. I nodded and Laura smiled at me before leading me up to a spare bedroom, and into adjoining the bathroom. She gave me a towel and some soft, clean clothes before offering me another smile and leaving me alone.
I tried to have as quick a shower as possible so that there was enough hot water for everyone else. I pulled on the clothes Laura had given me, and I caught a glimpse of my reflection. There was a look in my eyes that made me appear... tired; exhausted. I quickly looked away.
I exited the bathroom to see Steve sitting on the bed. He was clean and showered too – there must have been more bathrooms in the house. And of course his shower was quicker – he had been in the army, and their showers were barely even a minute long.
"Hey," he greeted.
I walked over and sat on the bed beside him. "Hi."
Steve watched me for a moment, his eyes searching my face carefully. "She show you something?"
I didn't answer and instead looked away. I didn't want to think about what I saw. Not now, not ever. Maybe there was a reason why I shouldn't remember my past. Maybe I should accept the missing parts in my memory as a gift.
Steve sighed and placed a hand on my shoulder. "I get it. It's hard to be vulnerable, to talk about this stuff. But... I'm always here for you. You can say as much or as little as you want, and I'll always be here to listen."
I looked up at him. His blue eyes conveyed such genuine concern that I nearly cried right then and there. He cared about me; he cared about how I was feeling. He wasn't going to leave me.
"There was..." I swallowed and closed my eyes. "I know why I can't remember," I whispered. "I was... I was back... there. They erased my – my memories."
I mentally cursed myself for stumbling over my words. It made me sound weak and vulnerable. I didn't like being vulnerable, didn't like giving up such a fragile piece of myself.
"I saw Bucky." I turned to look at Steve. His eyes were closed, and I could see a single tear sliding down his cheek. "They turned him back into the Winter Soldier. He was..." Steve took a deep breath to steady himself. "He was going to kill you. It was you or him. And I – that's not a choice I ever want to make. Not a choice I think I can make."
I listened as Steve offered up this part of himself, this fear. He was being vulnerable, and now we both stood the same, both had an understanding. We were both trusting each other with this.
"I hate that you went through what you did," Steve continued. "I know it wasn't good, and I'm sorry I couldn't stop it from happening."
"It's not your fault," I cut in.
Steve gave me a half-smile. I returned it, feeling something change, feeling the dynamics of our relationship shift. He wasn't just a guardian anymore. This was him taking a step towards being a father. My father.
Steve reached over and I met him halfway in a hug. His arms wrapped around me, so different from the bands they used to restrain me with. His arms felt safe, protective.
This was what a hug from a father was supposed to feel like.
WORDS: 1.1K
NOTES: only kind of parental hug i get
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